Frozen Flesh

First of all, in case you haven't read anything about Frozen Flesh, it's not really a movie according to any popular or professional definition of that word. It is merely a two-hour string of looped footage that includes a candle burning, water boiling, a mould of a human hand baking in the oven with several different kinds of powder, a cake (?) being baked, and a masked man repeatedly stabbing the air. Sorry if I spoiled your fun on that one, please don't report me.

So it's just a dumb so-called movie that some kid, alias Justin French, made in his spare time, right? Who cares? Well, if you've bothered to look this movie up on amazon.com, you'll notice that it is for sale -- for TWENTY DOLLARS. Now, I don't know whether French is really letting people buy this movie, especially since he has said in his own words that this film is intended as a joke (see message boards). However, I did see several irate comments on the sale page, indicating that some people may have been ripped off. If the least of evils is true, French has merely produced the worst cinematic turd I have ever had the displeasure to smell. However, if he is really selling this movie to ignorant people, then he is a scam artist and a fraud, who ought to be ashamed of himself. I don't care what IMDb says, if he's selling it without telling people what it really is ON AMAZON.COM, he's a phony who ought to be arrested.

Whichever, no movie has ever incited so much hate within me. This is one of the few movies that has ever made me angry. I was angry that Mr French found it amusing to waste my time with his experiment in human psychology. I was angry at his cocky attitude in the forums. I was angry that he promoted his film with fake critical reviews. But above all, I was angry that he dared list this garbage for sale on Amazon. According to French himself, the purpose of this film was to demonstrate how audiences react angrily to aspiring film-makers' works. Success.

I don't know why Justin French, the director of this movie, loves this so much. This is highly a terrible movie with no plot, no horror, no anything, except for this one shot of a knife stabbing the air, a candle lightning up, and a hand being baked in the oven with a red filter over it. How can anyone f*ck up film making this bad?! How can they do this to us? Is this our punishment for not liking low budget home made films? Well forget it this ain't a movie or a horror, well yeah, but it is, it's one hours long, it has the horror genre thrown over the film, it has a serial killer, it has creepy music and suspense, so it IS a horror, just a very bad one. The music sucks, the actors suck, the camera work sucks, everything sucks. FROZEN FLESH SUCKS!

what a piece of junk!!... after reading all those reviews that warned me about this horrible movie, I decided to watch a bit for myself. So I have to say that I only wasted 10 minutes of my life... and how I regret it...

don't watch it, is not even worth seeing out of curiosity

It is sad that the director has no sense at all, and on top of that he comes here to say it is the bes movie ever. I think the director should consider getting another career.

do not watch this movie

The director wrote that he reinvented horror genre, yes you did, you invented a whole new category of bad movie making. seriously it was the most stupid movie ever.

Just in case this is the first you've heard of this "film": This is not a real movie. It is, apparently, an attempt at a practical joke. All the "reviews" quoted on the poster are completely fabricated by the director, and there is absolutely nothing to be gained from watching this "movie."

Let me start by saying that I enjoy a good joke at the expense of others as much as the next d-bag. At least in principle, I'm totally on board with the notion of playing a joke on all the dumb wannabe film critics that have infested the internet, who think that posting a bunch of irate, vitriolic movie reviews rife with spelling errors will make them look smart. Such people frequently complain about how these sub-par films have "wasted" their time, as if they would have used that time to find a cure for cancer if only the awful filmmakers of the world weren't forcing them to watch all these worthless movies.

Needless to say, I'm generally supportive of any scheme designed to take such people down a peg, and as I understand it, Frozen Flesh was intended to be just such a scheme. In my opinion, it wasn't a complete failure in that sense. If you poke around a little on any film/horror review website, you're bound to find page after page of angry, indignant "movie buffs" ranting and raving about how director Justin French has wasted their time an violated their brains.

But that doesn't make Frozen Flesh worth watching. It may very well be the most pointless, least worthwhile sequence of images ever caught on camera. Regardless of the director's intent, Frozen Flesh is a spectacular cinematic failure, and no amount of amusingly angry pseudo-critics is going to change that. In fact, it's so bad that it actually gives some credibility to those infuriated reviewers, which is where I start to take issue with it. While I can see the humour in playing a joke on self-important morons who take themselves too seriously, nobody likes being lied to, and that seems to be exactly what Justin French set out to do in making this "film": he blatantly deceives viewers "for the lulz," and that's pretty tasteless and mean-spirited, even by my standards.

At the end of the day, what Frozen Flesh really amounts to is a film that's not worth watching, and a joke that's not that funny. Even if you're not going to find the cure for cancer, your time would be better spent doing anything other than watching Frozen Flesh.

You know what we learned kids? If you don't have talent, then DON'T MAKE A MOVIE. You don't want to end up like Justin French! That's right, kids! I'm talking about the guy behind this piece of dump. He's made some, oh not good, but not bad, but REALLY boring and the most awful sheet I've ever witnissed. What is this anyway? I can't watch this any longer. I had high hopes for this film, thinking it would be another one of those cheesy gore movies. Plot? It claims to have a killer burglar cooking and literally eating his victims. This could be one of the most best things to ever come to film, but what do we get? 112 fricking minutes of NOTHING! How do these films get made? Just how? Justin does show some hints and facts that he REALLY doesn't even try at all. Also why is the only character in this movie named "The Mass Murderer"? He does no killing at all, but only swings at the air at the not bloody knife, that we're supposed to believe that's the victim, but this movie has only one actor, so we'll just say he's swining at no body. The whole movie... Well what do you wanna know? It must be seen to be believed! Now let's get to the effects. The only budget put into this movie is that fake hand you can always get at a halloween store, and chocolate syrup poured into a sink, thinking that's blood. So, what to say about this. IT SUCKS IT SUCKS IT SUCKS THE END.