Charlie Day credited as playing...
Charlie Kelly
- Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
- Charlie Kelly: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
- [jumps out of truck]
- Dennis Reynolds: All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car.
- Dennis Reynolds: All right, let me- let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?
- Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not...
- Dennis Reynolds: [to Mac] Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac, because I can't speak to him. I don't understand him.
- Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
- Dennis Reynolds: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
- Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
- Dennis Reynolds: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
- Mac: You're the looks.
- Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
- Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
- Charlie Kelly: Whoa. That's awesome!
- Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, shit.
- Dennis Reynolds: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and change your mind?
- Charlie Kelly: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
- Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
- Charlie Kelly: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
- Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
- Charlie Kelly: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
- Dennis Reynolds: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
- Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
- Dennis Reynolds: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
- Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, your shirt's not off.
- Dennis Reynolds: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, yeah?
- [takes off shirt]
- Charlie Kelly: Wildcard, baby!
- Dennis Reynolds: Come on, man! This is my job!
- Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
- Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
- Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?
- Dennis Reynolds: [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
- [rings doorbell]
- Dennis Reynolds: No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
- Charlie Kelly: But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
- Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
- Charlie Kelly: Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
- [woman opens door]
- Dennis Reynolds: Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
- Charlie Kelly: [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
- Dennis Reynolds: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
- Charlie Kelly: Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
- Dennis Reynolds: [awkward pause] What my
- [clears throat]
- Dennis Reynolds: associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
- [interrupted by Charlie]
- Charlie Kelly: Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
- Dennis Reynolds: [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
- [interrupted by Charlie]
- Charlie Kelly: Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
- [gestures towards Mac in van]
- Charlie Kelly: He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
- [awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
- Charlie Kelly: Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
- Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
- Mac: [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
- Dennis Reynolds: Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
- Charlie Kelly: I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
- Dennis Reynolds: Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!