Clint Eastwood credited as playing...
Walt Kowalski
- Duke: What you lookin' at, old man?
- Walt Kowalski: Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me.
- Walt Kowalski: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."
- Barber Martin: There. You finally look like a human being again. You shouldn't wait so long between hair cuts, you cheap son of a bitch.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah. I'm surprised you're still around. I was always hoping you'd die off and they got someone in here that knew what the hell they were doing. Instead, you're just hanging around like the doo-wop dago you are.
- Barber Martin: That'll be ten bucks, Walt.
- Walt Kowalski: Ten bucks? Jesus Christ, Marty. What are you, half Jew or somethin'? You keep raising the damn prices all the time.
- Barber Martin: It's been ten bucks for the last five years, you hard-nosed Polack son of a bitch.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well keep the change.
- Barber Martin: See you in three weeks, prick.
- Walt Kowalski: Not if I see you first, dipshit.
- Walt Kowalski: [to Father Janovich] I think you're an overeducated 27-year-old virgin who likes to hold the hands of superstitious old ladies and promise them everlasting life.
- Father Janovich: What can I do for you Walt?
- Walt Kowalski: I'm here for confession.
- Father Janovich: Holy Jesus, what did you do?
- Father Janovich: Why didn't you call the police?
- Walt Kowalski: Well you know, I prayed for them to come but nobody answered.
- Smokie: Are you fucking crazy? Go back in the house.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah? I blow a hole in your face and then I go in the house... and I sleep like a baby. You can count on that. We used to stack fucks like you five feet high in Korea... use ya for sandbags.
- Walt Kowalski: Now you just gotta learn how guys talk. You just listen to the way Martin and I banter it back and forth. You OK? You're ready?
- Thao Vang Lor: Sir!
- Walt Kowalski: Alright let's go in...
- Barber Martin: Perfect! A Polak and AND a Chink!
- Walt Kowalski: How ya doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
- Barber Martin: Walts! You cheap bastard! I should have known you'd come in, I was having such a pleasant day!
- Walt Kowalski: What'd you do? You ruse some poor blind guy out of his money? Gave him the wrong change?
- Barber Martin: Who's the Nip?
- Walt Kowalski: Ohh... He's a pussy kid from next door. I'm trying to man him up a little bit... You see kid, now that's how guys talk to one another.
- Thao Vang Lor: They do?
- Barber Martin: What, you got shit on your ribs?
- Walt Kowalski: Now you go out and come back in and talk to him like a man, like a REAL man. Come on! Get your ass outta here! Come on back now.
- [to Martin]
- Walt Kowalski: Sorry about this.
- Thao Vang Lor: What's up ya old Italian prick?
- Barber Martin: [pointing rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
- Walt Kowalski: Jezus Christ, Holy Shit! Hehe. Take it easy, take it easy!
- [to Thao]
- Walt Kowalski: What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
- Thao Vang Lor: But that's what you said. That's what you said men say.
- Walt Kowalski: You don't just come in and insult the man in his own shop! You just don't do that. What happens if you meet some stranger? You get the wrong one, he's gonna blow your gook head right off!
- Thao Vang Lor: What should I have said then?
- Barber Martin: Well... why don't you start with... eeehm... Hi or Hello...
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah, just come in and say... eeeehm... Sir, I'd like a haircut if you have the time.
- Barber Martin: Yeah, be polite, but don't kiss ass.
- Walt Kowalski: In fact you could talk about a construction job you just came from and bitch about your girlfriend and your car.
- Barber Martin: eeeehm... Son of a bitch, I just got my brakes fixed and eeehmm those son of bitches really nailed me, I mean they screwed me right in the ass!
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah, don't swear AT the guy, just talk about people who are not in the room... eeeh... you could talk about your boss... eeeh... making you work extra time when there is bowling night.
- Barber Martin: Right, or... eeeh... my old lady bitches for two goddamn hours about how... eeeeh... they don't take expired coupons at the grocery stores. And the minute I turn on the fucking game, she starts crying how we never talk!
- Walt Kowalski: You wanna know what it's like to kill a man? Well, it's goddamn awful, that's what it is. The only thing worse is getting a medal... for killing some poor kid that wanted to just give up, that's all. Yeah, some scared little gook just like you. I shot him in the face with that rifle you were holding in there a while ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, and you don't want that on your soul.
- Walt Kowalski: Take these three items, some WD-40, a vise grip, and a roll of duct tape. Any man worth his salt can fix almost any problem with this stuff alone.
- Sue Lor: There's a ton of food.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well just keep your hands off my dog.
- Sue Lor: No worries, we only eat cats.
- Walt Kowalski: Relax, zipperhead. I'm not gonna shoot you. I'd look down too, if I was you. You know, I knew you were a dipshit the first time I ever saw you. Then I thought you were worse with women than stealing cars... Toad.
- Thao Vang Lor: It's Thao.
- Walt Kowalski: What?
- Thao Vang Lor: It's not Toad, my name is Thao.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well, you were blowing it with that girl who was there. Not that I give two shits about a toad like you.
- Thao Vang Lor: You don't know what you're talking about.
- Walt Kowalski: You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face. She likes you, you know? Though I don't know why!
- Thao Vang Lor: Who?
- Walt Kowalski: Yum Yum. You know, the girl in the purple sweater. She's been looking at you all day, stupid!
- Thao Vang Lor: You mean Youa?
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah... Yum Yum... yeah... nice girl... nice girl, very charming girl... I talked with her... yeah. But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake.
- Thao Vang Lor: [Walt's smoking] You should quit. Those things are bad for you.
- Walt Kowalski: Yeah? So's being in a gang.
- Walt Kowalski: [about Thao] I don't care about him.
- Sue Lor: You hang out with him, you teach him to fix things, you saved him from that fucked cousin of ours.
- Walt Kowalski: Watch your language, lady.
- Sue Lor: And you're a better man to him than our own father was. You're a good man.