Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

The Bracket

Barney Stinson

Barney Stinson: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

Barney Stinson: She said I hooked up with her? Well, what's her name? What'd she look like?
Lily Aldrin: She didn't say her name. But she had blonde hair, boobs... kinda trashy.
Barney Stinson: Dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?
Lily Aldrin: Yes!
Barney Stinson: That's all of them!

Barney Stinson: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin Scherbatsky: Of course there are.
Barney Stinson: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily Aldrin: You can not be more evil.
Barney Stinson: Sorry, five. Recently widowed.

Barney Stinson: The worst part is that we still have no idea who my stalker is.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, that's because you're going about this all wrong. I mean, why chase someone who's following you? All you need to do is go down to the bar, hit on someone and wait until she turns up.
Barney Stinson: That's not a bad idea.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh-ooh, I'll pretend to be the girl that you're hitting on.
Ted Mosby: I don't know, it's a lot riding on a girl who giggles when she lies.
Robin Scherbatsky: I do not!
Ted Mosby: Have you ever fallen asleep while eating ribs?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Awkwardly giggling] No!

Barney Stinson: This is a nightmare! Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life. God, why is this happening to me?
Lily Aldrin: It's karma.
Barney Stinson: Nah, it's not Karma. She's stripping in Vegas... plus we're good.

Lily Aldrin: [Lily is trying to get him to confront Meg, a girl he slept with] Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna kill me!
Lily Aldrin: Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
[Calls out]
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Meg! Over here! Look who it is! Yo old friend Meg: Barney! Barney?
Barney Stinson: [Trying to hide] If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.

Anna: [the girl from season 2's "Ted Mosby, Architect"] Look who it is, Mr. Big Shot Architect. If you're here to ask me to take down the Web site, forget it.
Barney Stinson: What Web site?
Anna: Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
Barney Stinson: You're right, I do deserve that. That's all I came here to say. You know what? I don't care who knows about it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I, Ted Mosby, am a jerk to women. Tell your sisters. Tell your daughters to stay away! Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.
Narrator: And that little Web site went on to get 400,000 hits. Thanks, Barney!

Lily Aldrin: [about Ted and Marshall betting on College football] Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.
Ted Mosby: That's because in the past, we were just guessing. This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. This isn't March Madness. This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.
Barney Stinson: Your team lost 20 minutes ago.
Ted Mosby: I didn't know they were playing today.

Ted Mosby: Come on! Let's see the list.
Barney Stinson: [Mocking Ted] Come on! Let's see the list. Ted, don't be crass. I would never demean the women that I've slept with by putting their names on a tawdry list.
Barney Stinson: [Cut to Barney in the apartment pulling out a scrapbook] This is a scrapbook of all the women I've slept with. I made it at the scrapbook barn on 7th.

Lily Aldrin: [Going through the women Barney has slept with, trying to find the one that keeps sabotaging him] The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney Stinson: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live!
Robin Scherbatsky: Damn it!