Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Charlie Harper: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.
- Alan Harper: A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.
- Charlie Harper: [after Jake screws up yet again] I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
- Alan Harper: I never took any LSD.
- Charlie Harper: You might want to start telling people you did.
- Angie: If a child doesn't grow up in a nurturing environment, he develops a big hole inside that can never be filled.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, I have such a big hole. If my hole could talk.
- Jake Harper: I might have to write a book report for Monday.
- Alan Harper: What do you mean you might have to write a book report?
- Jake Harper: I mean, if there's no earthquake by Monday morning, I have to write a book report.
- Alan Harper: Oh, God. So, what's the book?
- Jake Harper: William Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew". By William Shakespeare.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, that'll come in handy when he's moppin' out the toilets at the House of Pancakes.
- Jake Harper: Y'know, I could go for some pancakes.