Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Charlie Harper: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.
- Alan Harper: A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.
- Alan Harper: [Jake is making excuses for not doing a book report] So, what did you intend to do about the report?
- Jake Harper: You mean aside from the earthquake?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Jake Harper: Well, I kinda put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
- Charlie Harper: [after Jake screws up yet again] I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
- Alan Harper: I never took any LSD.
- Charlie Harper: You might want to start telling people you did.
- Alan Harper: Bite me. That's chapter one in my forthcoming book, entitled "Bite Me". Chapter two is called, "Kiss My Pale, White Ass!"
- Jake Harper: I might have to write a book report for Monday.
- Alan Harper: What do you mean you might have to write a book report?
- Jake Harper: I mean, if there's no earthquake by Monday morning, I have to write a book report.
- Alan Harper: Oh, God. So, what's the book?
- Jake Harper: William Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew". By William Shakespeare.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, that'll come in handy when he's moppin' out the toilets at the House of Pancakes.
- Jake Harper: Y'know, I could go for some pancakes.
- Alan Harper: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
- Jake Harper: I know. I can't find the book.
- Alan Harper: You're kidding! We - we just bought it!
- Jake Harper: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
- Alan Harper: Find... the book.
- Jake Harper: I'm really tired.
- Alan Harper: Find... the book!
- Jake Harper: Just saying it won't make it happen.
- Alan Harper: [as Charlie walks into the house] FIND... THE... BOOK!
- Jake Harper: [to Charlie, while running away] Heads up! He's losing it!
- Alan Harper: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!