Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Look, Charlie. I've got my next patient waiting. If you like, we can make a weekly appointment and really explore these issues. In fact, twice a week might not be over-doing it.
- Charlie Harper: No, thanks. I prefer to deal with my demons as they escape.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: All right.
- Charlie Harper: So, what do I owe you ?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so, why don't we just round it off and say $200.
- Charlie Harper: Man, even hookers pro-rate.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: I've got five minutes before my next patient, so, why don't you just give me the headlines.
- Charlie Harper: All right. I'm seein' a woman.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: That's not a headline, Charlie. That's the name of the paper.
- Charlie Harper: I know, I know, but... But she's different from the type of woman I usually go out with.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Different how?
- Charlie Harper: Well, she's a little older.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Well, you couldn't really go younger without having to register with the authorities.
- Charlie Harper: I mean, she's older than me.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh. We have our headline.
- Charlie Harper: And I'm confused because I have really strong feelings towards her.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you find her attractive?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, she's gorgeous!
- Dr. Linda Freeman: How's the sex?
- Charlie Harper: We haven't had sex yet.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Hold the presses! We have a new headline.
- Charlie Harper: Do I have to pay extra for the sarcasm?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: No, it's a flat rate.
- Angie: [Angie answers her door, hair disheveled, mascara running] What the hell do *you* want?
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Angie: Tricia broke off her engagement with Jeremy because of you!
- [she takes a drink from the bottle she's carrying]
- Charlie Harper: No! No! No! I was good, honest!
- Angie: He was crushed! My little boy had a nervous breakdown and tried to drink bleach!
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but I was good!
- Angie: Oh, good! Tricia told us everything about you and her!
- Charlie Harper: Everything? And he was still crushed?
- Angie: You lied to me!
- Charlie Harper: No! No! No! No! I didn't lie! I just didn't tell! It was a long time ago and I didn't want you to be jealous because she's young and you're...
- Angie: I'm what?
- Charlie Harper: A real trouper?
- Angie: Drop dead!
- [she slams the door in Charlie's face]
- Charlie Harper: [Looking up at the sky] But, I was good!
- Evelyn Harper: Well, you can't say I didn't warn you.
- Charlie Harper: You did. You warned me.
- Evelyn Harper: But did you listen?
- Charlie Harper: [Annoyed] No.
- Evelyn Harper: Do you ever listen?
- Charlie Harper: [Still annoyed] No.
- Evelyn Harper: Are you listening now?
- Charlie Harper: [Really annoyed] No.
- Evelyn Harper: So you're just gonna sit there and feel sorry for yourself.
- Charlie Harper: No, I'm also gonna drink.
- Evelyn Harper: Come on, Charles, this isn't like you. Apart from the drinking.