Catherine Tate: Donna Noble

The Unicorn and the Wasp

Donna Noble

[the Doctor makes muffled noises while making a shaking motion]
Donna Noble: I can't understand you! How many words?
[the Doctor holds up one finger]
Donna Noble: One! One word! Shake, milk-shake, milk! Milk! No? Not milk! Um, shake, shake, shake! Cocktail shake! What, d'you want a Harvey Wallbanger?
The Doctor: Harvey Wallbanger?
Donna Noble: Well, I don't know!
The Doctor: How is Harvey Wallbanger one word?
Agatha Christie: What do you need Doctor?
The Doctor: Salt! I was miming salt! I need salt! I need something salty!
[Donna grabs a bag from the counter]
Donna Noble: What about this?
The Doctor: What is it?
Donna Noble: Salt!
The Doctor: That's too salty!
Donna Noble: Oh, that's too salty!
Agatha Christie: What about this?
[Agatha hands the Doctor a jar and he upends it, eating the food]
Donna Noble: What's that?
Agatha Christie: Anchovies.

Donna Noble: [to the Doctor] What is it? What else?
[the Doctor jolts his hands out, miming a shock]
Donna Noble: Um, it's a song! 'Mammy'? Um, I don't know! 'Camptown Races'?
The Doctor: 'Camptown Races'?
Donna Noble: Well! All right, then! 'Towering Inferno'!
The Doctor: It's a shock! Look, shock!
[he mimes again]
The Doctor: I need a shock!
Donna Noble: Right, then. Big shock. Coming up.
[Donna grabs the Doctor and plants a full-frontal kiss on him. The Doctor staggers away, lifts his face up to the ceiling and releases a cloud of poisons from his body]
The Doctor: [gasps] Detox. Oh! I must do that more often.
[looks at Donna apprehensively]
The Doctor: I mean, the, the detox.
Agatha Christie: Doctor. You are... impossible!
[the Doctor winks]
Agatha Christie: Who are you?

Donna Noble: [mimicking the Doctor] 'The plucky young woman who helps me out'?
The Doctor: No policewomen in 1926.
Donna Noble: I'll pluck you in a minute!

Donna Noble: Yeah but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie.
The Doctor: So? Happens to me all the time.
Donna Noble: No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders, not really. I mean that's like meeting Charles Dickens, and he's surrounded by ghosts, at Christmas.
The Doctor: Well...
Donna Noble: Oh come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy!
The Doctor: [leans in close to her] There's no Noddy.

Donna Noble: Next thing you know, you're gonna be telling me it's like 'Murder on the Orient Express', and they all did it.
Agatha Christie: 'Murder on the Orient Express'?
Donna Noble: Oh, yeah. One of your best.
The Doctor: But not yet.
Agatha Christie: Marvelous idea, though.
Donna Noble: Yeah. Tell you what. Copyright: Donna Noble. Okay?
The Doctor: Anyway...

[the Doctor grabs the ginger beer from the shelf, drinks some of it, and pours the rest over his head]
Agatha Christie: I'm an expert in poisons! Doctor! There's no cure! It's fatal!
[the Doctor spits out the ginger beer]
The Doctor: Not for me! I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal! Protein! I need protein!
[the Doctor breathes heavily while Donna runs to the counter]
Donna Noble: Walnuts!
The Doctor: Brilliant!
[the Doctor upends the walnut jar and chews furiously]

The Doctor: She'd just discovered that her husband was having an affair.
Donna Noble: You'd never think to look at her, smiling away.
The Doctor: Well, she was British and moneyed. They carry on, except for this one time. Nobody know what happened. She just vanished.
[Flashes back with a series of newspaper headlines about Agatha Christie's disappearance. The scenes shown are overlayed by a narration from the Doctor]
The Doctor: Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Chrstie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate. She said she lost her memory. She never spoke about her disappearance until the day she died. Or whatever it was...
Donna Noble: It's about to happen.
The Doctor: Right here, right now.
Miss Chandrakala: [rushes straight from the library] Professor! The library! Murder! MURDER!
[the Doctor and Donna rush into the library and look at the body]
The Doctor: Blunt instrument. Watch broke as fell, time of death was at a quarter past four.
Donna Noble: Lead pipe. Only Hercule Poirot, but I reckon that's blunt enough.

The Doctor: No. Something's inhibiting my enzymes.
[convulses]
The Doctor: Gah! I've been poisoned!
Donna Noble: What do we do? What do we do?
Agatha Christie: [smells the Doctor's drink] Bitter almonds. It's cyanide! Sparkling cyanide!

Donna Noble: Come on, Agatha! What would Miss Marple do? She'd have overheard something vital by now because the murderer thinks she'd just a harmless old lady.
Agatha Christie: Clever idea! Miss Marple... Who writes those?
Donna Noble: Um... Copyright Donna Noble, add it to the list.

Donna Noble: D'you know what I think? Those books of yours, one day they could turn them into films. They could be talking pictures.
Agatha Christie: Talking pictures? Pictures that... talk? What do you mean?
Donna Noble: Oh. Blimey, I've done it again.

Donna Noble: [running after the giant wasp] Hey, this makes a change! There's a monster, and we're chasing it!

Donna Noble: There is a giant wasp!
The Doctor: What do you mean a giant wasp?
Donna Noble: I mean a wasp, that's giant!
Agatha Christie: It's only a silly little insect.
Donna Noble: When I say giant, I don't mean big, I mean flipping enormous! Look at its sting.

The Doctor: Lady Eddison!
Lady Clemency Eddison: Forgive me, but, who exactly might you be? And, what are you doing here?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. And this is Miss Donna Noble, of the, Chiswick Nobles.
Donna Noble: Good afternoon, my lady. Topping day, what. Spiffing. Top-hole.
The Doctor: No no no no no no no. Don't do that. Don't.
[holds up his psychic paper]
The Doctor: We were thrilled to receive your invitation! We met at the Ambassadors' reception.