David Tennant credited as playing...
The Doctor
- [the Doctor makes muffled noises while making a shaking motion]
- Donna Noble: I can't understand you! How many words?
- [the Doctor holds up one finger]
- Donna Noble: One! One word! Shake, milk-shake, milk! Milk! No? Not milk! Um, shake, shake, shake! Cocktail shake! What, d'you want a Harvey Wallbanger?
- The Doctor: Harvey Wallbanger?
- Donna Noble: Well, I don't know!
- The Doctor: How is Harvey Wallbanger one word?
- Agatha Christie: What do you need Doctor?
- The Doctor: Salt! I was miming salt! I need salt! I need something salty!
- [Donna grabs a bag from the counter]
- Donna Noble: What about this?
- The Doctor: What is it?
- Donna Noble: Salt!
- The Doctor: That's too salty!
- Donna Noble: Oh, that's too salty!
- Agatha Christie: What about this?
- [Agatha hands the Doctor a jar and he upends it, eating the food]
- Donna Noble: What's that?
- Agatha Christie: Anchovies.
- Donna Noble: [to the Doctor] What is it? What else?
- [the Doctor jolts his hands out, miming a shock]
- Donna Noble: Um, it's a song! 'Mammy'? Um, I don't know! 'Camptown Races'?
- The Doctor: 'Camptown Races'?
- Donna Noble: Well! All right, then! 'Towering Inferno'!
- The Doctor: It's a shock! Look, shock!
- [he mimes again]
- The Doctor: I need a shock!
- Donna Noble: Right, then. Big shock. Coming up.
- [Donna grabs the Doctor and plants a full-frontal kiss on him. The Doctor staggers away, lifts his face up to the ceiling and releases a cloud of poisons from his body]
- The Doctor: [gasps] Detox. Oh! I must do that more often.
- [looks at Donna apprehensively]
- The Doctor: I mean, the, the detox.
- Agatha Christie: Doctor. You are... impossible!
- [the Doctor winks]
- Agatha Christie: Who are you?
- Donna Noble: [mimicking the Doctor] 'The plucky young woman who helps me out'?
- The Doctor: No policewomen in 1926.
- Donna Noble: I'll pluck you in a minute!
- Donna Noble: Yeah but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie.
- The Doctor: So? Happens to me all the time.
- Donna Noble: No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders, not really. I mean that's like meeting Charles Dickens, and he's surrounded by ghosts, at Christmas.
- The Doctor: Well...
- Donna Noble: Oh come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy!
- The Doctor: [leans in close to her] There's no Noddy.
- The Doctor: Agatha Christie! I was just talking about you the other day! I said 'I bet she's brilliant!' I'm the Doctor, this is Donna. Oh, I love your stuff! What a mind! You fool me every time! Well... almost every time. Well... once or twice... Well... once. But it was a good once!
- Agatha Christie: [referring to the Doctor] Detective, you missed a very big clue.
- The Doctor: What? That bit of paper you nicked out of the fire?
- Agatha Christie: You were looking the other way!
- The Doctor: Yeah, but I saw your reflection in the glass of the bookcase.
- Agatha Christie: [smiling] You crafty man!
- Donna Noble: Next thing you know, you're gonna be telling me it's like 'Murder on the Orient Express', and they all did it.
- Agatha Christie: 'Murder on the Orient Express'?
- Donna Noble: Oh, yeah. One of your best.
- The Doctor: But not yet.
- Agatha Christie: Marvelous idea, though.
- Donna Noble: Yeah. Tell you what. Copyright: Donna Noble. Okay?
- The Doctor: Anyway...
- The Doctor: Yeah, I remember... I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He had been kidnapped by an insane computer.
- Agatha Christie: Charlemagne lived centuries ago!
- The Doctor: I've got a very good memory.
- The Doctor: A giant wasp! Well, there are tons of emorphorous insectivorous lifeforms, but none in this galactic sector.
- Agatha Christie: I think I understood some of those words... enough to know that you're completely potty!
- The Doctor: Turns out we are in the middle of a murder mystery. One of yours, Dame Agatha.
- Agatha Christie: Dame?
- The Doctor: Oh. Sorry, not yet.
- [the Doctor grabs the ginger beer from the shelf, drinks some of it, and pours the rest over his head]
- Agatha Christie: I'm an expert in poisons! Doctor! There's no cure! It's fatal!
- [the Doctor spits out the ginger beer]
- The Doctor: Not for me! I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal! Protein! I need protein!
- [the Doctor breathes heavily while Donna runs to the counter]
- Donna Noble: Walnuts!
- The Doctor: Brilliant!
- [the Doctor upends the walnut jar and chews furiously]
- Roger Curbishley: Some of these young boys deserve a decent thrashing.
- Davenport: Couldn't agree more, sir.
- [Roger clears his throat]
- Donna Noble: Typical. All the decent men are on the other bus.
- The Doctor: Or Time Lords.
- The Doctor: [chasing after the giant wasp] Don't let it get away! Quick! Before it reverts back to human form! Where are you? Come on! There's nowhere to run! Show yourself!
- [Lady Clemency Eddison, Reverend Golightly, Colonel Hugh Curbishley, Robina Redmond, and Roger Curbishly simultaneously open the doors of their rooms and stare at the Doctor]
- The Doctor: [pause] Oh...
- [Davenport sticks his head tentatively out of Roger Curbishly's room]
- The Doctor: That's just cheating!
- The Doctor: She'd just discovered that her husband was having an affair.
- Donna Noble: You'd never think to look at her, smiling away.
- The Doctor: Well, she was British and moneyed. They carry on, except for this one time. Nobody know what happened. She just vanished.
- [Flashes back with a series of newspaper headlines about Agatha Christie's disappearance. The scenes shown are overlayed by a narration from the Doctor]
- The Doctor: Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Chrstie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate. She said she lost her memory. She never spoke about her disappearance until the day she died. Or whatever it was...
- Donna Noble: It's about to happen.
- The Doctor: Right here, right now.
- Miss Chandrakala: [rushes straight from the library] Professor! The library! Murder! MURDER!
- [the Doctor and Donna rush into the library and look at the body]
- The Doctor: Blunt instrument. Watch broke as fell, time of death was at a quarter past four.
- Donna Noble: Lead pipe. Only Hercule Poirot, but I reckon that's blunt enough.
- Agatha Christie: Can we return to sanity? There are no such things as giant wasps!
- The Doctor: Exactly! So the question is: what's it doing here?
- The Doctor: No. Something's inhibiting my enzymes.
- [convulses]
- The Doctor: Gah! I've been poisoned!
- Donna Noble: What do we do? What do we do?
- Agatha Christie: [smells the Doctor's drink] Bitter almonds. It's cyanide! Sparkling cyanide!
- Agatha Christie: You make a rather unusual couple.
- The Doctor: [together] Oh, no no no no, we're not married.
- Donna Noble: [together] Yeah, we're not a couple.
- Agatha Christie: Well, obviously not. No wedding ring.
- [Donna and the Doctor exchange admiring glances]
- The Doctor: Oh, oh! You don't miss a trick.
- The Doctor: [knocks on the TARDIS door] We'll be late for cocktails!
- [TARDIS door opens, Donna steps out, wearing 1920s dress]
- Donna Noble: What d'you think? Flapper? Or slapper?
- The Doctor: [smiles] Flapper. You look lovely.
- [the Doctor runs to the kitchen. Agatha and Donna follow]
- The Doctor: [grabs Davenport] Ginger beer!
- Davenport: I beg your pardon?
- The Doctor: I need ginger beer!
- Mrs. Hart: The gentleman's gone mad!
- The Doctor: [grabs a newspaper] The date on this newspaper.
- Donna Noble: What about it?
- The Doctor: It's the day that Agatha Christie disappeared.