Simon Pegg credited as playing...
Gary King
- Oliver Chamberlain: WTF, Gary. WTF.
- Gary King: What the fuck does WTF mean?
- Peter Page: [getting out the cubicle] What the fuck?
- Gary King: Ooohh yeah!
- Gary King: How is, uh...
- Peter Page: Vanessa.
- Gary King: No. Your wife.
- Peter Page: Vanessa.
- Gary King: Yeah. How's she?
- Peter Page: She's good.
- Gary King: Have you had sex yet?
- Peter Page: We have two children.
- Gary King: Ooh twice! Get you, fuck machine.
- The Network: At this point your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy.
- Gary King: What did he say?
- Andrew Knightley: He said we are a bunch of fuck ups.
- Gary King: Hey it is our basic human right to be fuck ups. This civilization was founded on fuck ups and you know what? That makes me proud!
- Gary King: Tonight, we will be partaking of a liquid repast as we wind our way up the Golden Mile. Commencing with an inaugural tankard in The First Post, then on to The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same, all before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus, The World's End. Leave a light on good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will be in truth blind - drunk!
- Gary King: [opening monologue] Ever have one of those nights that starts out like any other but ends up being the best night of your life? It was June the 22nd, 1990. Our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlin, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me "The King". Because that's my name - Gary King. Ollie fancied himself as a bit of a player but really he was all mouth. We called him "O Man" because he had a birth mark on his face that was shaped like a six. He loved it. Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we would usually hang out with, but he was good for a laugh. And he was absolutely minted. Steve was a pretty cool guy, we jammed together. Chased the girls. I think he saw us as rivals. Sweet really. And Andy. Andy was my wingman. The one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and I'm not being funny, but I loved him too. There was nothing we were going to miss about school. Maybe Mr. Shepherd, he was one of the good guys. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him I just wanted to have a good time. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be, not that night. Newton Haven was our home town, our playground. Our universe. And that night was the site of a heroic quest. Our aim? To conquer the Golden Mile - 12 pubs along the legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was the First Post, the Old Familiar, the Famous Cock, the Cross Hands, the Good Companions, the Trusty Servant, the Two Headed Dog, the Mermaid, the Beehive, the King's Head, the Hole In The Wall, all before reaching our destiny - The World's End. We took my car into town that night. We called her "The Beast" because she was pretty hairy. And so our journey into manhood began. We were off. We didn't waste any time, we hit pub one and we hit it hard. There was drinking, there was laughs, there was controversy, there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and of course there was drinking. By pub 5 we were feeling invincible, and decide to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we called "The Reverend Green". Pint 6 put O Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing, I bumped into his sister at the next pub and we went into the disableds, and then I bumped into her again. Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go, I had another date that night. And her name was Amber. Nine pints in and it was us against the world. Things got mental in the Beehive so we tailed it to the Bowls Club, or as we called it "The Smoke House", which is where it all went fuck up. Everyone got paranoid and Pete chucked so we had to bench him. In the end we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills. As I sat up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again.
- [shows Gary in a group therapy setting]
- Gary King: And you know what? It never did.
- Group Leader: Interesting, Gary. Does anyone have any insight? Or maybe they want to challenge Gary?
- Pale Young Man: Were you disappointed?
- Gary King: About what?
- Pale Young Man: You didn't make it to the World's End?
- [shows Gary with a smug grin on his face]
- Andrew Knightley: No it doesn't. It says "King Gay."
- Gary King: Well, some cunt's rubbed off the 'r'!
- Steven Prince: [laughing] That was me.
- The Network: Just what is it that you want to do?
- Gary King: We want to be free!
- Steven Prince: Yeah.
- Gary King: We want to be free to do want we want to do!
- Steven Prince: Yeah.
- Gary King: And we want to get loaded!
- Andrew Knightley: Yeah!
- Gary King: And we want to have a good time and that's what we are gonna do!
- The Network: It's pointless arguing with you. You will be left to your own devices.
- Gary King: Really?
- The Network: Yeah. Fuck it.
- Gary King: And we're back! Just like the Five Musketeers!
- Steven Prince: Three musketeers, wasn't it?
- Peter Page: Four, if you count d'Artagnan.
- Gary King: Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they, Pete? I mean, history's a sketchbook.
- Oliver Chamberlain: You do know that "The Three Musketeers" is a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas?
- Gary King: A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.
- Steven Prince: What, that it was written by Alexandre Dumas?
- Gary King: Don't be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus! Anyway, five sounds much better. I think they missed a trick only having three 'cos if they'd had five then two could've died and they'd still have three left.
- Steven Prince: We need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us.
- Peter Page: Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing.
- Gary King: I don't even know what a pronoun is.
- Oliver Chamberlain: Well, it's a word that can function by itself as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse.
- Gary King: I don't get it.
- Andrew Knightley: You just used one.
- Gary King: Did I?
- Andrew Knightley: "It" it's a pronoun.
- Gary King: What is?
- Andrew Knightley: It!
- Gary King: Is it?
- Andrew Knightley: Christ!
- Gary King: It never got better than that night! That was supposed to be the beginning of my life! All that promise and fucking optimism! That feeling that we could take on the whole universe! It was a big lie! Nothing happened!
- Gary King: Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.
- Steven Prince: 'Boo-Boo'? What is that?
- Gary King: You remember "Let's Boo-Boo". You know, from Mr. Shephard's classroom, it said on the wall "Exit, Pursued by a Bear", you know, from that Shakespeare play?
- Steven Prince: A Winter's Tale.
- Gary King: Yeah. What was it called?
- Steven Prince: A Winter's Tale.
- Gary King: That's it. And if we needed to make a quick getaway, we'd say: "Exit, Pursued by a Bear". And then, it was: "Exit, Pursued by Yogi Bear". And then, it was just: "Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo". And then: "Let's Boo-Boo".
- Steven Prince: So you're saying we should go?
- Gary King: Yeah. Shitty, here. Isn't it?
- Gary King: I remember sitting up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes and seeing the orange glow of a new dawn break and knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again. And you know what? It never did.
- Gary King: Yeah, there's more than one Gary King!
- The Network: But you just said...
- Gary King: I fucking know what I fucking said!
- The Network: It's pointless arguing with you. You will be left to your own devices.
- Gary King: Really?
- The Network: Yeah. Fuck it.