Nude Nuns with Big Guns

I actually got kinda p!$$ed at all the negative reviews this movie had. IT Ain't THAT BAD PEOPLE!! it is actually a pretty decent watch without being fancy in any way, taking a big step away from the norm and making a whole lot out of a pretty small budget.

most of those leaving negative votes and reviews are probably falling into one of two categories: 1) those who can't enjoy a film unless the budget matches Titanic and the entire film need to smell like Hollywood 2) those who actually can't read since the title pretty much says it all

this film IS about nuns and the use of big guns, even says so in the title, and it's pretty violent and if you DO love violence, WATCH IT! I'm not gonna pretend it's the best film ever made, not even close! but it sure as hell ain't bad, and probably are better than 80% of all standard Hollywood productions, and it's worth lots more than under 4 on the IMDb-rating

This film definitely isn't trying to mascaraed as something that isn't; it's a low, low budget, strange exploitation film with nuns at the helm of it. The plot of this film seems to be completely all over the place, and the acting is god awful, but I oddly found some kind of weird enjoyment in it. I don't quite know how, or why, but something at this film had my attention wrapped up. I think it was the songs, or specifically the "I didn't kill her", I thoroughly enjoyed that song and I still listen to it I ironically now to this day. You can definitely tell that the people making this film were trying to emulate the films of the 70s, it is clearly seen on the style of filming here and maybe that's what had my attention, something like those Grindhouse films.

Full of enough eye candy to make any adolescent boy's (or girl's) sex drive go full throttle, the film finds a drug cartel run by a sinister church who see fit to reducing their ordained sisterhood to nothing more than a nudist colony of cheap labor chemists. As the story opens we are introduced to some of the main players in a dope exchange gone horribly wrong. The lone (innocent) survivor is our heroine, Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega), who is subsequently thrown into forced prostitution by the bikers and drugged out of her mind as she "services" the customers.

As fate would have it, however, a kind-hearted doctor (I use that term loosely) named Mr. Foo (Maxie J. Santillan Jr.) releases Sarah from her bondage and flushes out all the drugs from her system. Upon awakening, Sister Sarah reveals that she has received the "word of God" which has entrusted her with dishing out some divine justice on those who did her wrong. Foo then proceeds to arm are with a pair of silver pistols to help her on her mission only to have Sarah put a bullet through his noggin (not cool, man). Thus begins our heroine's journey of hate-fueled revenge served cold and hard with the most translucent metaphor for phallic aggression a lesbian nun can holster.

Though short lived, Mr. Foo is a pretty cool character- equal parts Yoda and Tommy Chong, Foo exudes a hipster charm that helps balance the darker elements of the story. Unfortunately, what follows after his demise is bleak mess of boobs and talking (plus more boobs), with very little scenes of heavenly justice doled out and nowhere did I ever really see any "big guns" (with great exception to scary ass Xango Henry as Kickstand, a Dulé Hill (Psych) look-a-like). When the biggest threat of a film is a black man's genitals as he violates elderly nuns, there's not much else that needs to be said.

In the end, as much as I wanted to like a film with a name as cool as Nude Nuns with Guns it simply didn't push any one boundary far enough. In fact, I couldn't help but think that this was really lost footage from Machete, given the overall borderland motif and bad-ass, Mexican bikers. It even goes so far as to riff on Rodriguez's Planet Terror theme from the Rodriguez/Tarantino Grindhouse double feature. Yes, there are nuns and they're (generally) nude. Yes, there's softcore rape and bullets to the head. However, a lack of any real action will likely see you walking away limp from this peep show long before the credits ever role.

I wanted to like this one a lot more. But there are some glaring problems that keep it from scoring any higher for me.

First the only people I felt were doing anything with their characters were the leads. Which isn't completely bad, at least they cast people who could act some in the leads.

Lighting and sound really have some horrifically bad moments in the film. Characters talking and you couldn't hear them. And the night scenes with a very nice Chevelle SS 396 where you could only see headlights.

A lot of scenes where you could almost hear the director thinking "yeah, I guess that's okay, but you know what, I think we really need all the girls to be naked and rubbing their boobies over everyone on the set." Don't get me wrong, I like naked girls, but there is a point of diminishing returns when almost Every... Single... Scene... in the film is accessorized by boobies.

There are some very good decisions made that were definite pluses to the film. The love story, while expected, did add to the story and was not completely gratuitous. David Castro's villain has most of the best lines, and several times comes dangerously close to being sympathetic. Asun Ortega does crazy very well, and the 'dress whites' as seen in the poster for the film really added to the moment.

This is not a date movie, shoot it's not a mixed company movie in any manner. But for a guilty pleasure movie to watch when you are home alone, you could do worse.

The Mexican cartel have stooped to a new low. They are now resorting to kidnapping people and forcing them into b grade soft porn flicks.

Please give generously to stop this form of human trafficking.

On the lighter side of things, it is a difficult movie to watch. At least everyone had a turn at speaking some lines which would be a plus for any actor. The downside would be the level of flesh you would have to reveal in order to get those lines. You'd be working pretty hard to keep your clothes on in this flick. Sympathy goes out to the pizza boy who had the unfortunate luck to make a delivery to the set and forced to work as evil Hench men number 6 for the extra tip.