Jason Bateman credited as playing...
Judd Altman
- Judd Altman: It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up, you know.
- Horry Callen: Welcome to my world.
- Judd Altman: Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
- Wendy Altman: No, you weren't.
- Judd Altman: No?
- Wendy Altman: No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
- Judd Altman: Yep... That's fair.
- Paul Altman: Dad always had a soft spot for him.
- Judd Altman: I think he liked us because we're a lot like him; he liked Phillip because he's nothing like him.
- Phillip Altman: Dad was a stoner?
- Judd Altman: No, it was probably medicinal.
- Phillip Altman: It always is.
- Horry Callen: Brain injury. There are things I can't do.
- Judd Altman: Like what?
- Horry Callen: Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.
- Phillip Altman: Sorry I'm late
- Judd Altman: You're a dick.
- Phillip Altman: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
- Judd Altman: Your shirt is on inside out.
- Phillip Altman: That, I did not know
- Penny Moore: You used to laugh at my jokes.
- Judd Altman: No, I didn't.
- Penny Moore: Yes, you did.
- Judd Altman: Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.
- Judd Altman: What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak?
- Phillip Altman: No, that would take all the fun out of it.
- Judd Altman: I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?
- Phillip Altman: Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.
- Judd Altman: You can't possibly know it' mine.
- Quinn Altman: Trust me, it's yours.
- Judd Altman: Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.
- Paul Altman: [On phone to Annie] Calm down... Calm down... CALM DOWN. I'm coming home, I'm coming home.
- [to everyone]
- Paul Altman: I have to go have sex.
- Judd Altman: Oh.
- Wendy Altman: You know, in some cultures, people actually enjoy sex.
- Paul Altman: Well, not when it's on a schedule.
- Judd Altman: I spent my entire life playing it safe, just to avoid being exactly where I am now.
- Penny Moore: Ya know, where you are right now? Right now, you're in a cool rink, on a hot day, listening to a Cindy Lauper classic, under some disco lights. Cut yourself some slack, Judd. Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.
- Hillary Altman: God, the passion, the-the creativity, the - the angles.
- Judd Altman: Jesus Christ!
- Wendy Altman: Angles!
- Hillary Altman: Mort knew his way around a woman's body.
- Judd Altman: Mother!
- Hillary Altman: And the sheer size of him. Circumference.
- Judd Altman: Mom!
- Hillary Altman: I don't mind telling you, the man was hung.
- Wendy Altman: That should've been the headstone.
- Quinn Altman: Hi, Phillip.
- Phillip Altman: Quinn! I always knew there was something of a cold-hearted slut in you!
- Quinn Altman: Takes one to know one.
- Phillip Altman: Touché, pussycat! So. What are you guys talking about?
- Judd Altman: [at once] Nothing.
- Quinn Altman: [at once] I'm pregnant.
- Phillip Altman: Mazeltov?
- Judd Altman: We've come apart there Mom. Could you please close that robe, please. Cover it!
- Hillary Altman: They are just breasts, Judd. The same ones you suckled at.
- Judd Altman: No Mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are... those are... you've got bionic breasts now.
- Hillary Altman: Your Father didn't see it that way. He used to like to put his penis...
- Judd Altman: Jesus Christ, Mother. Thank you
- Judd Altman: I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.
- Wendy Altman: A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
- Judd Altman: It's not a good time, Wendy.
- Wendy Altman: Dad's dead.
- Judd Altman: [Taken aback] What?
- Wendy Altman: [Crying] He died about an hour ago.
- Judd Altman: They said he had more time.
- Wendy Altman: Yeah, well apparently, he didn't.
- Judd Altman: Shit. How's Mom?
- Wendy Altman: She's Mom. You know, she asked me how much to tip the nurses. Listen, there's something else. Dad wants us to sit Shiva.
- Judd Altman: Dad's dead.
- Wendy Altman: Yeah, apparently that's the optimal time to do it.
- Judd Altman: My marriage is over. I don't have a job.
- Hillary Altman: That's why you didn't come see him these last few weeks? You thought he'd think less of you?
- Judd Altman: I think less of me. I've got nothing. Look at me. Way too old to have this much nothing.
- Judd Altman: Thanks!
- Wade Beaufort: For what?
- Judd Altman: Up until just now, I thought I was the most pathetic guy I knew. Wade: You're welcome.
- [Judd shakes his head]
- Paul Altman: Phillip...
- Judd Altman: ...needs a job.
- Paul Altman: You need a job.
- Judd Altman: I'll be okay.
- Paul Altman: Do you really believe that?
- Judd Altman: I'm getting there.