Will Ferrell credited as playing...
Allen Gamble
- Terry Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
- Allen Gamble: OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.
- Terry Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
- Allen Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.
- [pause]
- Allen Gamble: Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.
- Allen Gamble: At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
- Allen Gamble: Hey, I didn't know you can dance.
- Terry Hoitz: We used to do those dance moves to make fun of guys when we were kids to show them how queer they were, okay.
- Allen Gamble: You learned to dance like that sarcastically?
- Terry Hoitz: Yeah, I guess.
- Allen Gamble: [Hoitz and Gamble barely survive an explosion] I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!
- Terry Hoitz: Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars! That was all accurate!
- Allen Gamble: [sung in a bar with several Irishmen] I gave my love to Erin/She promised to be true/I went to war to come back/And find five British soldiers/Had their way with her/It was consensual
- [later after talking to Terry]
- Allen Gamble: And all their fathers were hanged/And the children all got pink eye/While their Harry Potter books were burned.
- Allen Gamble: Hey, Terry, I did it! I did my first desk pop!
- [Fosse and Martin roar with laughter]
- Allen Gamble: It's a real thing, right?
- Terry Hoitz: A desk pop?
- Allen Gamble: Yeah.
- Terry Hoitz: No, that's not real!
- Allen Gamble: They were so convincing in their argument, they swung me.
- Terry Hoitz: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?
- Allen Gamble: Yeah.
- Terry Hoitz: I come strong, then you come in.
- Allen Gamble: Right. Got it.
- Terry Hoitz: [to Ershon] Now you listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?
- David Ershon: Okay, I'll talk to you,
- [pointing at Allen]
- David Ershon: you're reasonable!
- Terry Hoitz: [shaking him] No-no, look at me!
- Allen Gamble: Yeah? You wanna talk to me?
- [pushes Terry away and storms on Ershon]
- Terry Hoitz: Allen, what are you doing?
- Allen Gamble: [yells at Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!
- [runs around smashing his office]
- Allen Gamble: [next scene, Allen and Terry are walking outside] Look, I'm really sorry about that. I just... I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought 'Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that since we're doing 'Bad cop, bad cop'.
- Terry Hoitz: What? No, I said 'Good cop, bad cop'. I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.
- Allen Gamble: Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said 'Bad cop, bad cop'.
- Terry Hoitz: Your farts aren't manly.
- Allen Gamble: Are you serious?
- Terry Hoitz: They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.
- Terry Hoitz: What is this?
- Allen Gamble: It's my car; it's a Prius.
- Terry Hoitz: I feel like we're literally driving around in a vagina.
- Dr. Sheila Gamble: Allen, I'm pregnant.
- Allen Gamble: Whose baby is that? Who's the man who did that to you?
- Roger Wesley: There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks...
- Allen Gamble: Beautiful features.
- Roger Wesley: And the fear in a man's eye when he know's I'm about to hurt him.
- Terry Hoitz: [Hoitz telling Gamble his duck joke] Little boy on his 13th birthday, it's time to get laid.
- Allen Gamble: Already feels inappropriate.
- Terry Hoitz: So he goes to the lady at the barn and says, "Miss, I know you usually want money, but I don't have any money. It's my birthday, do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"
- Allen Gamble: Was he a farmer? Because that's probably a health code violation to bring a duck into a place of prostitution.
- Terry Hoitz: They weren't going to have sex with duck!
- Allen Gamble: No, I just mean a health code violation to have the duck brought into a facility like that.
- Terry Hoitz: So anyway, she says "Yes, I'll do it." So he goes in there and gives it to her.
- Allen Gamble: He gives her what?
- Terry Hoitz: The high hard one, and she loves it! So she goes, "If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back". So he gets laid twice for free!
- Allen Gamble: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. So the duck is payment for sexual intercourse?
- Terry Hoitz: Yes, he used it as payment and now he's getting paid back the duck. He says, "Oh my God this is the greatest birthday ever!" He does it again. Now he's walking home, right?...
- Allen Gamble: So she was satisfied with the duck as currency?
- [Nods his head]
- Allen Gamble: Okay.
- Terry Hoitz: So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!
- Allen Gamble: Kills the duck? So the duck is now dead?
- Terry Hoitz: The duck is dead! The kid starts crying, the truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean-.
- Allen Gamble: [Interrupts] Of course he's crying, he's a 13 year old boy who just had sex twice and just watched his beloved duck die. So far I don't see how this is ever going to be funny.
- Terry Hoitz: The guy feels so bad about killing the duck so he gives him two dollars.
- Allen Gamble: And the kid's happy with the two bucks?
- Terry Hoitz: He's ecstatic! He got laid twice and now he's got two dollars on top of it!
- Allen Gamble: Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.
- Terry Hoitz: Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"
- Allen Gamble: So it's like a limerick.
- Terry Hoitz: You didn't think that was funny?
- Allen Gamble: I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure. The way all the words were put together, but in terms of content? No.
- Allen Gamble: [sighs] Get the check.
- Terry Hoitz: You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?
- Allen Gamble: Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
- Terry Hoitz: I got something to get you going.
- [plays a hardcore song on the car stereo]
- Terry Hoitz: Let's go do some damage!
- Allen Gamble: Nope.
- [switches it to a lyrical song]
- Terry Hoitz: What the hell is that?
- Allen Gamble: LRB. Little River Band.
- Terry Hoitz: This music makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.
- Allen Gamble: [while Hoitz is holding him at gunpoint] You won't shoot me.
- Terry Hoitz: I shot Jeter!
- Allen Gamble: That was an accident!
- Terry Hoitz: Was it? Now move.
- Captain Gene Mauch: You know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.
- Allen Gamble: To give me back my real gun?
- Captain Gene Mauch: No. I'm going to give you this... It's a rape whistle. You blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.
- [Quietly blows the whistle]
- Allen Gamble: [Terry picks up his computer screen and throws it on the floor] What are you doing?
- Terry Hoitz: We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guy's lawyer!
- Allen Gamble: [In his Gator voice] Are you a big man? Huh? I'm talkin' to you!
- Terry Hoitz: [All confused] What?
- Allen Gamble: Do you wake up in the mornin' and say, "I'm puttin on my big boy pants. Look, I'm wearin' a belt. I got big boy pants on."
- [stomps on broken screen]
- Allen Gamble: We don't do that shit!
- Terry Hoitz: Stop! Stop it man, you're scarin' the shit outta me man, stop it!
- Allen Gamble: Is this how you conduct yourself... in a democracy?
- [over the phone]
- Captain Gene Mauch: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How many times have I explicitly told you, lay off Ershon?
- Allen Gamble: [to Terry] Terry, how many times has Captain told us to stay off the Ershon case?
- Terry Hoitz: Twice.
- Allen Gamble: [to Gene] Terry says twice, I agree.
- Martin: Look at these two jamokes, would ya? One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.
- [Fosse guffaws]
- Fosse: Have some decorum, we're at a funeral. Shhh.
- Fosse: You wanna dance Brolio? Huh? I will rock your body with big nasty hooks, you'll be pissin' blood outta your ass.
- Allen Gamble: That's horrible.
- Terry Hoitz: Why don't you step back, man. You touch him, I swear to god I'm gonna beat the shit out of you with Allen's head.
- Allen Gamble: He's not gonna do that, that's hyperbole, but that's a weird example.