Joel McHale: Agent Campbell

The Happytime Murders

Agent Campbell

Agent Campbell: Word on the street is that you did okay.
Lt. Banning: Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.
Phil Philips: Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.
Connie Edwards: Come on.
Agent Campbell: No hard feelings?
Phil Philips: Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.
Connie Edwards: Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell: What?
Connie Edwards: [laughing with Phil] I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...
Phil Philips: And you said, "What?".
Connie Edwards: 'Cause you're an asshole.
Phil Philips: Yeah.
Agent Campbell: What?
Connie Edwards: [laughing again] Every time.
Phil Philips: Yeah.
Connie Edwards: Always works on assholes.

Phil Philips: You can't actually like me for these murders.
Agent Campbell: We like you very much for these murders.
Phil Philips: What's my motive?
Agent Campbell: The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.
[he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens]
Agent Campbell: Enjoy the show.
Phil Philips: [seeing Sandra inside] What the hell is she doing here?
Connie Edwards: Who is that?
Phil Philips: It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.
Lt. Banning: Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.
Phil Philips: Hey, I didn't murder anybody.
Connie Edwards: I didn't know Jenny was even married.
Phil Philips: Neither did I.
Lt. Banning: [turning on the intercom] Let's listen in.
Sandra: Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.
Phil Philips: What?
Agent Campbell: And why would he do that?
Sandra: We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.
Phil Philips: I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.

Agent Campbell: Freeze, Philips!
Phil Philips: You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.
Agent Campbell: Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Phil Philips: Okay, I'm dropping it.
Connie Edwards: [seeing the stand-off] Oh, shitcakes.
Agent Campbell: Edwards! Drop the weapon!
[she starts to lower it]
Agent Campbell: Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Connie Edwards: I did!
Agent Campbell: Now!
Connie Edwards: What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.
Agent Campbell: Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.
Phil Philips: Jesus Christ.
Connie Edwards: Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell: What?

Agent Campbell: You're done, Edwards. Consider yourself suspended. Give me your badge.
Connie Edwards: Yeah? Great. Here. Fucking choke on it. Fuck all of you guys. Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?
[taking his phone cable]
Connie Edwards: It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.
Agent Campbell: Nice.
Connie Edwards: You all fucking suck.
Agent Campbell: Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.
Connie Edwards: And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.
Carol: I'm a real redhead.
Connie Edwards: No, you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse.
Agent Campbell: Jeez.
Connie Edwards: Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.
Donny: It's not too late.