Kristen Wiig: Annie

Bridesmaids

Annie

Helen: [sobbing] Why are smiling?
Annie: It's just... it's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly. And that makes me kind of happy.
Helen: [starts to laugh through her tears] I look ugly? No, I don't. I don't really look ugly.
Annie: A little bit. You're an ugly crier. But that's okay.
Helen: No, I'm not really an ugly crier.
Annie: Maybe just a little bit.
Helen: No.
Annie: Just a little bit.
Helen: It's just my make-up. But I still look pretty good.

Annie: [after Helen insists the flight attendant allow Annie to use her first class seat] Help me I'm poor.

Flight Attendant Steve: You have 3 seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: No one can get anywhere in 3 seconds. You're setting me up for a loss already.

13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You're weird.
Annie: I'm not weird. OK?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
Annie: No, I'm not! And you started it.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
Annie: Oh, I feel bad for your parents.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
Annie: OK... well, call me when your boobs come in.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
Annie: What do you have, four boyfriends?
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
Annie: OK... yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
Annie: You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
Annie: [sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I'm sure you are... very... popular.
13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you're an old, single loser who's never going to have any friends.
Annie: You're a little cunt!

Annie: You read my diary?
Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

Lillian: You remember my cousin, Rita.
Annie: Rita!
Rita: [hugs Annie] Annie, I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.
Lillian: She has three kids now.
Rita: Three boys.
Lillian: They're so cute.
Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything. Disgusting. I cracked a BLANKET in half. Do you get where I'm going with this?
Annie: I do, yeah.
Rita: [gesturing] I cracked it in half!

Helen: I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.
[Speaking Thai]
Helen: It means, "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to." Khob-kun-Ka
[Bows to the crowd]
Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
Annie: [interjecting] Really quick!
Helen: Thank you all for coming. The dessert wine is out.
Annie: I just wanted to say really quick.
Helen: [calling out] Consuelo!
Annie: Really quick! Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And so, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en... en la azul... "markada". Tienes con "bibir" en las Fortuashla?" and gracias!

Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?
Annie's Mom: Annie?
Annie: No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
Lillian: Annie, calm down...
Annie: No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
Becca: [quickly] I'm not.
Megan: I was.
Annie: Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?
Annie's Mom: Annie...
Annie: Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that *fucking* cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that *fucking* cookie!
[storms off]

Brynn: Guess what happened to me today?
Annie: Mmm... what?
Brynn: I got a free tattoo. I could not believe it. The guy said, "do you want a tattoo?", opened up the side of his van...
Annie: Noooo...
Brynn: ...and said "it's for free!" So I said, "sure."

Annie: Hi, I can't get off the couch. I got fired from my job, I got kicked out of my apartment, I can't pay any of my bills, my car is a piece of shit, I don't have any friends...
Megan: [gets right in Annie's face] You know what I find interesting about that, Annie? It's interesting to me that you have absolutely no friends. Do you know why that's interesting? Here's a friend standing directly in front of you, trying to talk to you, and you choose to talk about having no friends.

Rhodes: How long has she been gone?
Annie: She's been missing for, like, 12 hours.
Rhodes: 12 hours? It's not a missing person until it's at least 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me get on with my job, Annie.
Annie: Nathan... please? I really need your help.
Helen: [peeks over] Please, Nathan?
Rhodes: Who's this one?
Annie: This is Helen.
Helen: [offers her hand] I'm Helen.
Rhodes: What?
Annie: It's Helen.
Rhodes: [smiles dryly] Hello, Helen. I've heard... wonderful things.

Annie: [Drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class] It's called civil *rights*. This is the '90s.

Megan: I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back
Annie: Oh, shit.
Megan: Yeah, "oh shit." Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul, into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, "I'm saving you Megan." Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically.

Annie: [discussing puppies] How many of those did you take?
Megan: I took nine. I took nine. Yeah. I did slightly overcommit to the whole dog thing. It turns out I'm probably more comfortable with six.

Annie: I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time... that's so embarrassing. Thank you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: No, you are welcome.
[in a sarcastic tone]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: This is kind of high octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment... it's adrenaline pinching.
[awkward exchange of words]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment. Bye bye.