Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter

The Gothowitz Deviation

Leonard Hofstadter

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure; what's your point?

Leonard Hofstadter: [Howard and Raj leave to go to a goth nightclub] They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.

Leonard Hofstadter: OK. I know what you're doing.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon Cooper: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon Cooper: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon Cooper: [Squirts him] Bad Leonard.

Penny: You know what? I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, "I give up. He's improbable."
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon Cooper: What am I supposed to do? Eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

Sheldon Cooper: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, I haven't given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon Cooper: It's an iCal download. She can put it right in her phone. And we agreed you'd have conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon Cooper: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, her bed kind of broke.
Sheldon Cooper: That doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction. Even the addition of a second normal-sized human wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard Hofstadter: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Penny: Oh, you're my little homunculus.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Talking about how Sheldon deals with Penny] All I'm saying is that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, ugh. There's just no pleasing you, is there? You weren't happy with my approach with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques building on the works of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. Next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "buzzinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges, if you will.

Sheldon Cooper: Would you like a chocolate?
Penny: Um, yeah, sure. Thanks.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was that?
Sheldon Cooper: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of "nice".
Leonard Hofstadter: It does. But in my experience, you don't.
Sheldon Cooper: There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, now, that's you. Obnoxious and insufferable.

Penny: Kim, the night manager, went on maternity leave, and her husband's name is Sandy. So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
[chortling]
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
Penny: I know. What are the odds? Oh.
Sheldon Cooper: Easily calculable. We begin by identifying the set of couples with unisex names. We eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work: the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next, we look at the...
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon. It's an amazing coincidence. Can we leave it at that?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. Oh, Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it's as if you don't think I'll punch you.

Sheldon Cooper: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socio-economic activity that requires a great deal of analysis and planning... Buzzinga. You know, using positive reinforcement techniques I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: If you let me use negative reinforcement I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon Cooper: No, of course not. We're talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Forget it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, come on. You can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not. Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.