Jim Parsons credited as playing...
Sheldon Cooper
- Professor Crawley: It's a field cricket.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes!
- Sheldon: No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
- Professor Crawley: Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? "Creepy Crawley"!
- Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
- Professor Crawley: Let me show you something. You see that?
- [showing them a beetle in a tank]
- Professor Crawley: That's a Crawley's Dung Beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans. So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, 'cause god knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!
- Sheldon: [awkward silence] Well, apparently I was wrong.
- Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
- Sheldon: I can't take your money.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken?
- Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees.
- Sheldon: Thank God.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
- [Holds hands up in surrender]
- Howard Wolowitz: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
- Sheldon Cooper: What was that?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Raj] Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
- [Raj stares at Sheldon]
- Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.
- [Raj still stares]
- Sheldon Cooper: You're welcome.
- Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line?
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You...
- Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
- [Howard points to his nose]
- Sheldon Cooper: Good. Now I can eat.
- Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Hold on.
- [Looks at watch while cricket chirps]
- Sheldon Cooper: That is a snowy tree cricket.
- Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell?
- Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
- Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
- Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft] Be careful.
- Sheldon Cooper: If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Opens book] There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
- Sheldon Cooper: Hang on.
- [Leafs through book]
- Sheldon Cooper: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".
- Leonard Hofstadter: [sighs] God, I had the most horrible night.
- Sheldon: What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.
- Howard Wolowitz: Shiksa. Shiksa. Shik-sa.
- Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is you're wrong, again.
- Sheldon: We haven't established that I'm wrong once.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
- Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
- Howard Wolowitz: First of all...
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.