Charlie Day: Dale Arbus

Horrible Bosses

Dale Arbus

Dale Arbus: [walks into Julia's office, notices she is wearing nothing but heels, panties, and her white jacket covering her breasts] Oh, shit!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [pushes a lock button on her desk to prevent Dale from leaving]
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [motions to the chair] Will you have a seat, Dale?
Dale Arbus: Do I have to?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Please.
Dale Arbus: Sure.
[slowly and awkwardly takes his seat]
Dale Arbus: This is a little ridiculous, but...
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, you know... I know I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing I wanna do is-is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it's just not professional, you know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know... when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?
Dale Arbus: Okay. Now.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Well, now, you're kinda crossing a line... because you're naked.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uh... I'm not naked, Dale. Can you *see* my pussy?
Dale Arbus: [nervously] Hmm... true. Um... but I think, uh, even really saying the word..."pussy", that's...
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That's crossing the line?
Dale Arbus: Little bit.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.
Dale Arbus: There we go! That one's another one. Probably illegal thing to say, too.

Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
Kurt Buckman, Dean 'MF' Jones: [they shake hands] What's that?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is... Motherfucker?
Dean 'MF' Jones: Not "motherfucker". "Motherfuckah". White people say "-er", Negroes say "fuck-ah". You say "er", I say "ah".

Dale Arbus: Shut the fuck up for a second.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Don't you tell me to shut...
Dale Arbus: Julia, shut the fuck up for a second, all right? Now, here's what's gonna happen, okay? I'm going to take a very nice, very expensive two-week vacation with my fiancee. Let's call it a honeymoon, all right? And you are gonna pay for it. Then I'm going to return to a rape-free workplace, all right? Because if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia, I will have yours locked the fuck up, you crazy bitch whore!
[Dale pauses]
Dale Arbus: Ah, that felt good.

Nick Hendricks: I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me...
Kurt Buckman: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!
Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!
Kurt Buckman: ...Y'know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

Dale Arbus: [Talking to man on NavGuide] Hey, I always wondered these kinds of things, but is your real name Gregory?
Atmanand: [in Indian accent] Um, no, sir. Standard NavGuide protocol is to use names American people find easy to pronounce. My real name is Atmanand.
Kurt Buckman: You know what, buddy, I'm not gonna play by the rules. I'm gonna call you Akmantad.
Nick Hendricks: Atmonent.
Atmanand: [slowly pronouncing] At-man-and.
Kurt Buckman: I'm just gonna call you Gregory cuz that name is a fuckin' nightmare, buddy, let me tell you.

Dale Arbus: [about Bobby Pellit] Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?
Kurt Buckman: I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!
Dale Arbus: You're lying! You *know* there's DNA in your butt! You just like shoving shit in your ass, you fucking pervert!
Nick Hendricks: We are lawyering up, man. That's it.
Dale Arbus: I don't have money for a lawyer, okay! I bought a very expensive ring that I can't afford, then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!
Kurt Buckman: That's who we should talk to.
Nick Hendricks: Sure. Why not? He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?
Dale Arbus: Five thousand... forty, with the briefcase.
Kurt Buckman, Nick Hendricks: Shut the fuck up about that case!

Dale Arbus: [Julia shows him pictures of her cavorting with him while he was unconscious] Rape. Rape, rape, this is what raping is. You're a raper, you've raped me. That's a rape! RAPE!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard.
Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief.

Dale Arbus: Your ad said you do wetwork.
Wetwork Man: That is correct. I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in the "Men seeking Men" section?
Kurt Buckman: [to Dale] You fucking idiot!
Dale Arbus: We are MEN looking for another man!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're engaged now,
Dale Arbus: Right.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: And I respect the institution of marriage way too much to violate it. So that's why you're gonna have to do me well before the wedding.

Dale Arbus: [after forced and badly improvised phone sex with Julia] Nice job fucking the crazy out of her, Kurt!
Kurt Buckman: Oh I'm sorry, maybe I should've tried dancing on her boobies!

Nick Hendricks: Where are you two gonna find a hit man?
Dale Arbus: Why don't you guys leave that up to me, okay? I got this whole thing figured out. I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet me.
Kurt Buckman: Why don't you just tell us now?
Dale Arbus: 'Cause... I don't have it figured out.