Simon Helberg credited as playing...
Howard Wolowitz
- Howard Wolowitz: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
- Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
- Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
- Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
- Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but can I ask you a question first?
- Howard Wolowitz: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
- Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
- Howard Wolowitz: You mean Bernadette?
- Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
- Howard Wolowitz: I know, but she's not you.
- Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
- Howard Wolowitz: Really? Tall?
- Katee Sackhoff: Six four.
- Howard Wolowitz: Ouch.
- Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
- Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm taking a bath!
- Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't remind me!
- [he turns back to find Katee has disappeared]
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
- Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
- Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
- Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
- Penny: Different how?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
- Penny: Are you high?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
- Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
- Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [giggles] I don't really get it.
- Howard Wolowitz: See, it took two for the snail to-
- [Bernadette kisses him]
- Howard Wolowitz: Not important.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you a question?
- Howard Wolowitz: Sure.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where do you think this is going?
- Howard Wolowitz: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
- Howard Wolowitz: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
- Howard Wolowitz: No, I was just be- Never mind.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
- Howard Wolowitz: We do?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sex.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out.
- [she goes into her house]
- Howard Wolowitz: Three dates means sex! Who knew?
- [last lines]
- Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
- Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette!
- [says]
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
- Sheldon Cooper: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
- Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
- Howard Wolowitz: In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
- Penny: [to Leonard] What exactly does that mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: He struck out.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I'm interested in what's inside people too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry.