Amy Poehler credited as playing...
Leslie Knope
- Leslie Knope: How do I fight back? Give me some options.
- April Ludgate: Do you... want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
- Leslie Knope: How would that help?
- April Ludgate: I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.
- Leslie Knope: I appreciate that but I don't know if it's something worth losing your virginity over.
- April Ludgate: Hey, uh, there was a message for you on the work voicemail. Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9PM at the Boardwalk Lounge.
- Leslie Knope: Shut up.
- April Ludgate: No.
- Leslie Knope: So let's talk sched, guys. Um, the kids are gonna come at 9AM on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone before you get into your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.
- Jerry Gergich: It was just farts.
- Leslie Knope: All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit!
- Ann Perkins: Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid. Nobody else has written about it.
- Tom Haverford: Yeah, nobody believes that garbage. Nobody believes that thing.
- Donna Meagle: [Outside the room; walks forward and puts the tabloid on the window facing Leslie] Leslie! WHAT? Nice work, girl!
- Bill Dexhart: Bill Dexhart: I can prove it. She has a mole on her right buttock.
- Leslie Knope: What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about? He has never seen my butt.
- [chuckles]