Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Jenny: [answering machine] This is Jenny, from Malibu D-Spa. Just wanted to confirm your Saturday appointment for a bikini wax.
- Charlie Harper: Bikini wax?
- Alan Harper: I wear a European-cut bathing suit. I like to keep it tidy down there.
- Chelsea: [Trying to suggest activities that she and Charlie can do together] When Brad's wife was alive, they played tennis every day.
- Charlie Harper: Probably what killed her.
- Chelsea: She was hit by a car!
- Charlie Harper: Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball!
- [Chelsea gives him a look of disbelief]
- Charlie Harper: Y'know... Like a dog?
- [Chelsea keeps looking at him, not saying anything]
- Charlie Harper: You throw it, they run after it? Even if there's traffic?
- [Chelsea holds her gaze]
- Charlie Harper: Goofy dogs!
- Jake Harper: Why are you on the couch? You and Chelsea have a fight?
- Charlie Harper: No, we didn't have a fight.
- Jake Harper: Were you farting in your sleep?
- Charlie Harper: No!
- Jake Harper: Did you screw up the sex?
- Charlie Harper: What the hell are you talking about?
- Jake Harper: Y'know, there's more than one way to satisfy a woman!
- Charlie Harper: Really? Like what?
- Jake Harper: I'm not sure... But I have some theories!
- Charlie Harper: [Waiting for Chelsea to come home] Where the hell is she, Alan?
- Alan Harper: Calm down. Don't work yourself into a tizzy.
- Charlie Harper: A tizzy? I don't have tizzies! *Women* have tizzies! *You* have tizzies! Me? I am OUTRAGED! I am FURIOUS! I am...
- Alan Harper: Miffed?
- Charlie Harper: Do not complete my sentences if you don't grasp the concept!
- Chelsea: It'd be nice for us to do some things together once in a while.
- Charlie Harper: We do plenty of things together!
- Chelsea: Besides sex.
- Charlie Harper: Oh...
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie is trying to sleep on the couch, but Berta enters the kitchen singing] Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep!
- Berta: Hey, I didn't see you there! What'd you do?
- Charlie Harper: I don't wanna talk about it.
- Berta: Fine. I'm not one to pry.
- [pauses]
- Berta: Money?
- Charlie Harper: No.
- Berta: Old girlfriend?
- Charlie Harper: No!
- Berta: She find those Polaroids?
- Charlie Harper: No! How did you know about the Polaroids?
- Berta: You just told me, you dirt bag!
- Chelsea: Go to hell!
- Charlie Harper: I'm not the one sneaking around seeing somebody behind my fiancé's back!
- Chelsea: I am *not* sneaking around! I asked you to go with me!
- Charlie Harper: Figuring that I wouldn't! Very sneaky!
- Chelsea: Drop dead!
- Jake Harper: So, when are you gonna call Chelsea and tell her you're sorry?
- Charlie Harper: First of all, I have nothing to be sorry about. And second, I am not gonna discuss my personal life with someone whose current girlfriend is a gym sock!
- Alan Harper: [Charlie managed to hold back his anger towards Chelsea after she came home late] Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
- Charlie Harper: Really? Is that what you call it? 'Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles!
- Berta: I've seen your tallywacker. You're blessed, but you ain't no Seabiscuit!
- Charlie Harper: When have you seen my tallywacker?
- Berta: Oh, I dunno... Maybe the nine or ten times I've found you passed out in your bathtub, holding onto it like it was a floatation device!
- Charlie Harper: Sorry about that.
- Berta: Don't be!