Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Chelsea: [Charlie is lying in bed waiting for Chelsea to join him and the phone rings] Are you gonna grab that?
- Charlie Harper: [Looking between his legs and then at the phone] You'll have to be more specific!
- Chelsea: [after showing Charlie her new lingerie] I was gonna save it for our wedding night, but I couldn't wait.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, baby. By the time we get married, that thing is gonna be half-eaten!
- Alan Harper: [after Charlie has picked up Alan from jail] Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell!
- Charlie Harper: You shouldn't have peed yourself!
- Chelsea: What's going on?
- Alan Harper: Your gallant fiancé let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night!
- Chelsea: What?
- Charlie Harper: Oh, come on! It was the Beverly Hills jail! I've been there plenty of times! If you slip the booking officer a twenty, he'll send out for Starbucks!
- Alan Harper: You know I don't carry that kind of cash!
- Alan Harper: I just snapped and hit him. It's the first time in my life that's ever happened.
- Charlie Harper: You mean it's the first time you've ever won!
- Brad Harlow: I just bought my mom a new computer and it's opened up quite a can of worms.
- Charlie Harper: Ironic. I just bought *my* mom a can of worms!
- Alan Harper: [after meeting his lawyer] I just want it on record that I am not by nature a violent man. My fuse is long, but it's attached to dynamite!
- Charlie Harper: Shut up, I'm paying by the hour!
- Charlie Harper: What do I owe you?
- Brad Harlow: Relax, you don't owe me anything.
- Charlie Harper: Even better! Thank you.
- Chelsea: We have to pay you for your time.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, you hippy!
- Brad Harlow: Well, you can always make a donation to my charity.
- Charlie Harper: What's that? "Lawyers Without Yachts"?
- Charlie Harper: [after their car gets stuck] Oh, damn!
- Female GPS Voice: You have reached your destination!
- Charlie Harper: [after Chelsea gets mad at Charlie for leaving Alan in jail overnight] Now she's mad at me. Happy?
- Alan Harper: Oh yeah, I'm thrilled! If my transexual, biker cellmate had only been a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect!
- Evelyn Harper: I'll find a lawyer and we'll split the fee.
- Charlie Harper: Not fifty-fifty! 'Cause I'm out 6 years of room, board and incidentals. And by 'incidentals', I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion!
- Alan Harper: Maybe you didn't notice the way *my* lawyer was looking at *your* fiancé!
- Charlie Harper: What are you talking about?
- Alan Harper: Or the way *she* was looking back at *him*!
- Charlie Harper: That's ridiculous.
- Alan Harper: I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks between the two of them.
- Charlie Harper: [Looking concerned] You think?
- Alan Harper: Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.
- Charlie Harper: What's that mean?
- Alan Harper: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't stumble through life stinking of whiskey and KY jelly!
- Charlie Harper: Hey, KY jelly is odorless!
- Alan Harper: Not where *you* put it!