Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: The lady is on a date with me, and you are intruding.
- Marcus: Why don't we ask the lady what she wants?
- Alan Harper: Not necessary. I can tell you what she wants. And it's not me!
- Alan Harper: [after Charlie has picked up Alan from jail] Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell!
- Charlie Harper: You shouldn't have peed yourself!
- Chelsea: What's going on?
- Alan Harper: Your gallant fiancé let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night!
- Chelsea: What?
- Charlie Harper: Oh, come on! It was the Beverly Hills jail! I've been there plenty of times! If you slip the booking officer a twenty, he'll send out for Starbucks!
- Alan Harper: You know I don't carry that kind of cash!
- Alan Harper: I just snapped and hit him. It's the first time in my life that's ever happened.
- Charlie Harper: You mean it's the first time you've ever won!
- Alan Harper: [after meeting his lawyer] I just want it on record that I am not by nature a violent man. My fuse is long, but it's attached to dynamite!
- Charlie Harper: Shut up, I'm paying by the hour!
- Jake Harper: What happened to your hand?
- Alan Harper: I won't lie to you. I got into a bar fight and punched a guy in the face.
- Jake Harper: Yeah, right!
- Alan Harper: I'm serious. I spent the night in jail.
- Jake Harper: Fine. Don't tell me!
- Charlie Harper: [after Chelsea gets mad at Charlie for leaving Alan in jail overnight] Now she's mad at me. Happy?
- Alan Harper: Oh yeah, I'm thrilled! If my transexual, biker cellmate had only been a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect!
- Alan Harper: Maybe you didn't notice the way *my* lawyer was looking at *your* fiancé!
- Charlie Harper: What are you talking about?
- Alan Harper: Or the way *she* was looking back at *him*!
- Charlie Harper: That's ridiculous.
- Alan Harper: I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks between the two of them.
- Charlie Harper: [Looking concerned] You think?
- Alan Harper: Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.
- Charlie Harper: What's that mean?
- Alan Harper: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't stumble through life stinking of whiskey and KY jelly!
- Charlie Harper: Hey, KY jelly is odorless!
- Alan Harper: Not where *you* put it!