Joel McHale credited as playing...
Jeff Winger
- Britta Perry: Oh my God, you've been hit!
- Jeff Winger: What? Oh no!
- [checks red stain]
- Jeff Winger: Wait, wait... it's blood.
- [laughs]
- Jeff Winger: I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!
- Jeff Winger: *Checkmate Bitches!*
- [along with Troy and Abed, shoots Chess Team]
- Jeff Winger: And tell the Drama Club their tears will be real today.
- Annie Edison: Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.
- Jeff Winger: There is no Britta and Jeff!
- Pierce Hawthorne: He said, fully erect.
- Jeff Winger: [after waking from an hour-long nap, he wakes up to the school seemingly empty and paint-splattered. He stumbles upon a paint-splattered guy sitting on the ground] What is going on?
- Garrett: The-the paintball game was-was s-starting, and the-the dean, the dean announced the-the prize. *The prize!* We-we turned on each other like-like animals!
- Jeff Winger: What was the prize?
- Garrett: *Was?* This is not over! This is still happening! *Right now!*
- [Get's shot by Leonard]
- Jeff Winger: Leonard? Leonard! I'm not playing!
- Leonard: *Everyone's playing!*
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Abed, Jeff and Troy enter the vending machine area] Hey! What the hell?
- Star-Burns: I got you covered, bro.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You guys formed an alliance without me?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Not if I can be with you.
- [shoots Star-Burns in the back]
- Star-Burns: Ow!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Ha. It's just Star-Burns.
- Abed Nadir: Anyone else need a pee break?
- Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes: Yeah.
- Abed Nadir: Hey.
- Star-Burns: Hey.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll stand guard. I don't need to pee. I'm wearing a diaper for the game.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, yeah.
- [sarcastically]
- Jeff Winger: "For the game."
- Britta Perry: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!
- Shirley Bennett: That's nice.
- Jeff Winger: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!
- Shirley Bennett: That's less nice.
- [the study group is pinned down by the glee club]
- Jeff Winger: Pierce! Do NOT come over here!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Screw you! I'm coming over there!
- [Pierce crawls out from behind cover and gets hit multiple times]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Medic!
- Jeff Winger: Don't tell me you had sex with me just to win at paintball.
- Britta Perry: No. I had sex with you and I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross.
- Jeff Winger: I'm gross? You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed while holding a gun. Can I get dressed before you assassinate me? So all that happened, it meant nothing to you?
- Britta Perry: I didn't say that. What did it mean to you?
- Jeff Winger: I asked you first.
- Britta Perry: Very mature.
- Jeff Winger: Said the woman wearing the Hello Kitty underwear.
- Britta Perry: Said the woman holding the gun.
- Jeff Winger: You sure that's a gun? 'Cause, maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.
- Britta Perry: [paintball gun clicks] Uh-oh.
- Jeff Winger: No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I'm stupid?
- Britta Perry: When'd you take my clip?
- Jeff Winger: When you started seducing me.
- Britta Perry: I wasn't though! Assuming that makes you way grosser.
- Jeff Winger: Not when I'm right.
- Disco Stu: Study group! Come out and play-ee-ay!
- Jeff Winger: Oh, look! It's post-ironic Disco Stu! You still trying to bring it back?
- [Sees more disco-clad people on quad skates roll in]
- Jeff Winger: Damn. He brought it back.
- Jeff Winger: Take cover!
- Shirley Bennett: Run, Pierce!
- Glee Club: La la la... La la la la la la la la la...
- Abed Nadir: [hears singing in the distance] Glee club.
- Britta Perry: How do you know it's the Glee Club?
- Abed Nadir: Listen.
- Glee Club: [harmonizing] La... La... Hit me with your best shot.
- Annie Edison: Oh, brother!
- Glee Club: Why don't you hit me with your best shot.
- Annie Edison: [rises and yells] That is *so* uninspired!
- [is shot]
- Dean Pelton: [after Jeff shoots his office] You get it all out of your system?
- Jeff Winger: [laughs] Almost.
- [Pulls a paintgun from behind his back and shoots Pelton in the forehead]
- Dean Pelton: What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
- Jeff Winger: Guess.
- Ben Chang: Buenos dias, children. You'll be happy to know you made it all the way till the end.
- Jeff Winger: You're not even a student.
- Ben Chang: Wrong! Critical media literacy and politics of gender, biatch!
- Britta Perry: The group would be thrilled. The wounded soldier fantasy means we're moments from doing it, right?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, can you feel that tension? It's a miracle we still have clothes on.
- [snorts]
- Britta Perry: You're right, you know. I am a phony. I try to act compassionate, because I'm afraid that I'm not.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, please, I invented phony. You care about people. I accuse you of faking to convince myself I'm not such a jerk.
- Britta Perry: Jeff, you help people more than I do, and you don't even want to. You're not... you're not a jerk. You're fine. Especially now that I've repaired your overworked torso with my trembling feminine fingers.
- Britta Perry: You know what? I say if any of us win the prize, we give it to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.
- Abed Nadir: Absolutely.
- Jeff Winger: What? Abed, you don't have to do that. I am so sick of you guilting people with your phony humanitarian schtick.
- Britta Perry: Phony? When I win, you can watch me do it.
- Jeff Winger: Of course you'll do it, but that won't make it less phony. You know, you'd be a lot more likeable...
- Britta Perry: If I never did anything for anybody ever?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. Because when you help people, that always turns out great.
- Jeff Winger: Are the girls in the game?
- Troy Barnes: You mean Britta?
- Jeff Winger: No, I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta?
- Troy Barnes: Twice now.
- Britta Perry: Well, if you're gonna be the fun police.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, well, if I'm the fun police, then you're director of Funland security.
- Jeff Winger: You sure that's a gun? 'cause maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.
- [clicks gun]
- Jeff Winger: Uh-oh. No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I'm stupid?