Gillian Jacobs credited as playing...
Britta Perry
- Britta Perry: Oh my God, you've been hit!
- Jeff Winger: What? Oh no!
- [checks red stain]
- Jeff Winger: Wait, wait... it's blood.
- [laughs]
- Jeff Winger: I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!
- [Shirley is "killed" in the paintball battle]
- Shirley Bennett: [sadly] I'm going home.
- Britta Perry: [sadly] Yes, you are.
- Shirley Bennett: No, seriously. I'm going home. Can you help me up?
- Britta Perry: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!
- Shirley Bennett: That's nice.
- Jeff Winger: Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!
- Shirley Bennett: That's less nice.
- Jeff Winger: Don't tell me you had sex with me just to win at paintball.
- Britta Perry: No. I had sex with you and I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross.
- Jeff Winger: I'm gross? You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed while holding a gun. Can I get dressed before you assassinate me? So all that happened, it meant nothing to you?
- Britta Perry: I didn't say that. What did it mean to you?
- Jeff Winger: I asked you first.
- Britta Perry: Very mature.
- Jeff Winger: Said the woman wearing the Hello Kitty underwear.
- Britta Perry: Said the woman holding the gun.
- Jeff Winger: You sure that's a gun? 'Cause, maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.
- Britta Perry: [paintball gun clicks] Uh-oh.
- Jeff Winger: No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I'm stupid?
- Britta Perry: When'd you take my clip?
- Jeff Winger: When you started seducing me.
- Britta Perry: I wasn't though! Assuming that makes you way grosser.
- Jeff Winger: Not when I'm right.
- Jeff Winger: Take cover!
- Shirley Bennett: Run, Pierce!
- Glee Club: La la la... La la la la la la la la la...
- Abed Nadir: [hears singing in the distance] Glee club.
- Britta Perry: How do you know it's the Glee Club?
- Abed Nadir: Listen.
- Glee Club: [harmonizing] La... La... Hit me with your best shot.
- Annie Edison: Oh, brother!
- Glee Club: Why don't you hit me with your best shot.
- Annie Edison: [rises and yells] That is *so* uninspired!
- [is shot]
- Britta Perry: The group would be thrilled. The wounded soldier fantasy means we're moments from doing it, right?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, can you feel that tension? It's a miracle we still have clothes on.
- [snorts]
- Britta Perry: You're right, you know. I am a phony. I try to act compassionate, because I'm afraid that I'm not.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, please, I invented phony. You care about people. I accuse you of faking to convince myself I'm not such a jerk.
- Britta Perry: Jeff, you help people more than I do, and you don't even want to. You're not... you're not a jerk. You're fine. Especially now that I've repaired your overworked torso with my trembling feminine fingers.
- Britta Perry: You know what? I say if any of us win the prize, we give it to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.
- Abed Nadir: Absolutely.
- Jeff Winger: What? Abed, you don't have to do that. I am so sick of you guilting people with your phony humanitarian schtick.
- Britta Perry: Phony? When I win, you can watch me do it.
- Jeff Winger: Of course you'll do it, but that won't make it less phony. You know, you'd be a lot more likeable...
- Britta Perry: If I never did anything for anybody ever?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. Because when you help people, that always turns out great.
- Britta Perry: Well, if you're gonna be the fun police.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, well, if I'm the fun police, then you're director of Funland security.