David Mitchell credited as playing...
Mark Corrigan
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh my life, it's a text from Elena! "Thinking of you." She's thinking of me, Mark! Or at least she was, six hours ago. With 3 kisses! Oh my God, this is massive, I'm going over there.
- Mark Corrigan: Don't be ridiculous. If text kisses were real kisses the world would be an orgy.
- Jeremy Usborne: God... I'm evil.
- Mark Corrigan: No, Jez, the absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you, my friend, are not evil.
- Mark Corrigan: Of course I did all the lessons. What else would I have been doing, watching the frankly-overrated The Wire on DVD day after day?
- [Mark is having a driving lesson]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great. I was hoping for a David Attenborough-type instructor, he's more of your chain-wanking ring-tone fanatic.
- Sophie Chapman: [talking about baby names] I was thinking Tarquin Oliver Nimrod.
- [Mark bursts out laughing. Sophie doesn't laugh]
- Mark Corrigan: I... like it.
- Sophie Chapman: Why did you laugh?
- Mark Corrigan: I thought it was a joke.
- Sophie Chapman: You thought it was a joke but you like it?
- Mark Corrigan: Tarquin Oliver Nimrod? Come on, give the little bugger a chance.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] It's great being a wedding guest, you get to be an unpaid extra in the climatic scene of someone else's rom-com.
- Mark Corrigan: [driving] Please, Jeremy, I need you to guide, to advise. I don't even know about road signs. What does that one mean?
- Jeremy Usborne: I don't know. Nobody knows. It doesn't matter, it's lost knowledge, like how the aliens did the pyramids.
- Mark Corrigan: Slaves did the pyramids, Jeremy. Thousands and thousands of slaves.
- Jeremy Usborne: God, you're depressing.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Don't blame me, blame Rameses II.
- Jeremy Usborne: I tried to kill her, Mark. I think I tried to bloody drown her.
- Mark Corrigan: What? But you rescued her. Why would you rescue her if you wanted to kill her.
- Jeremy Usborne: I was thinking "I want her to fall in" and she did fall in.
- Mark Corrigan: So? I wanted interest rates to fall to historic lows and they did, that doesn't make me the Governor of the Bank of England.
- Jeremy Usborne: Who knows what I'm capable of? I could kill anyone in this room with a pencil.
- Mark Corrigan: You really couldn't.
- Elena: [giving a speech to her guests] Tomorrow's the big day. Gail gets to marry me, and my wheat intolerance!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Of course she has a wheat intolerance. She's far too important to be able to tolerant wheat.
- Mark Corrigan: [about Super Hans' twins] How old are they?
- Super Hans: How old? Oooh... Seven or eight? What's "fünf" in English?
- Mark Corrigan: Five.
- Super Hans: Yeah. They turned fünf zwei years ago. So, what... a pair of eight-ers, I reckon.
- Driving Instructor: What did you stall for?
- Mark Corrigan: Because I can't drive. That's why I'm having a driving lesson.
- Driving Instructor: All right, fine. Go again, easy on the clutch.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] He hasn't even told me which pedal is which! He's assuming an incredible degree of knowledge.
- [Mark stalls again]
- Driving Instructor: Bloody hell, you are terrible.
- Mark Corrigan: I'm sorry, but I can't drive. Maybe in your career as a driving instructor you may get one or two pupils from failed states like Eritrea where they have no licensing infrastructure but basically already know how to drive, however I should warn you that the vast majority are going to be people like me, who can't drive.
- Driving Instructor: All right, keep your wig on.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] That's a retro put-down. Or maybe he thinks I really do wear a wig.