Charlie Day credited as playing...
Charlie Kelly
- Dennis Reynolds: [Frank is hanging by a noose] Whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
- Dee Reynolds: Oh, Frank's trying to kill himself.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God. Is he all right? Frank, are you all right?
- Frank Reynolds: Don't try to stop me.
- Dennis Reynolds: Oh, my God.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, so he's alive.
- Frank Reynolds: I lost all my money in a Ponzi scheme, Charlie. I'm broke!
- Dee Reynolds: His neck is so thick, I feel like he's just gonna swing and dangle around for a really long time.
- Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
- Dennis Reynolds: Let's do it.
- Charlie Kelly: Right, let's slash his tires.
- Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
- Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
- Charlie Kelly: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
- Dennis Reynolds: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.
- Charlie Kelly: [Charlie is walking with two trash bags in his hands] Now, let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
- Dennis Reynolds: I don't know. We disposed of the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
- Charlie Kelly: I am taking it to the furnace.
- Mac: We have a furnace?
- Charlie Kelly: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
- Dennis Reynolds: You burn the trash in the furnace?
- Charlie Kelly: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
- Dennis Reynolds: How is burning trash green?
- Charlie Kelly: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
- Mac: The bar smells like trash.
- Dennis Reynolds: That's the exact opposite of green, Charlie.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I could put the trash into a landfill where it's going to stay for millions of years, or I could burn it up and get a nice smoky smell in here and let that smoke go into the sky where it turns into stars.
- Mac: That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about stars to dispute it.