Simon Helberg credited as playing...
Howard Wolowitz
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
- Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
- Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
- Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
- Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
- Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Howard and Raj are arguing] At least I can talk to women without being drunk!
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche!
- Howard Wolowitz: [about a girl he thought smiled at him] I totally had a shot!
- Rajesh Koothrappali: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony.
- Howard Wolowitz: I brought you a little gift. New kite!
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [scoffs] The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang. An Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
- Howard Wolowitz: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please. You weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?
- Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [searching the index of "Football for Dummies"] Sacks, sacks.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Huh.
- [looking through his book again]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Scrimmage...
- Sheldon Cooper: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
- Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: [after a beat] Kites ho!