Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Alan Harper: [peeking nervously at Jake driving the car] So, Charlie, when's your, uh... when's your fiancee back in town?
- Charlie Harper: [also nervously looking around] Uh... next week.
- Alan Harper: Huh. So, uh... so her dad's out of the hospital?
- Charlie Harper: Yep. They gave him a new hip and sent him home.
- Alan Harper: Huh. So he had a bad hip?
- Charlie Harper: No, Alan, he had a bad tooth, but he went to the wrong doctor.
- Alan Harper: You don't have to be snide.
- Charlie Harper: You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.
- Jake Harper: He didn't ask me anything!
- Jake Harper: [driving the car, turns the radio on]
- Alan Harper: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Concentrate on the road!
- Jake Harper: What? You listen to the radio while you drive.
- Alan Harper: I'm an experienced driver.
- Charlie Harper: [from the back seat] You drive like an old woman!
- Alan Harper: An *experienced* old woman.
- Charlie Harper: Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan, or the butterfly. All of God's creatures are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.
- Alan Harper: Okay, okay, fine. Name three things you would change about me.
- Charlie Harper: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.