John Oliver credited as playing...
Professor Ian Duncan
- Professor Ian Duncan: Greetings, class. I am Dr. Ian Duncan. Now, I don't normally teach Anthropology, but apparently, Professor Bauer tried to strangle Mr. Winger and has been put on administrative leave with pay. So, what is anthropology?
- [pauses]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Seriously, does anyone know? You, in the boobs.
- Annie Edison: It's the study of humanity.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Wow. Wow, I thought Psychology was a racket.
- Ben Chang: Well, well. I heard there was a drunk limey teaching this class.
- Professor Ian Duncan: I'm not actually drunk and I can prove it. I blew beneath the legal limit just this morning.
- Jeff Winger: That's reassuring.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Also I would like everyone here to know that this man assaulted me last year. And I have a restraining order, so I can have him expelled if he comes within...
- Ben Chang: [holding up a tape measure] Twenty-five feet. Abed.
- Abed Nadir: Yep.
- [Abed pulls the tape from Chang twenty-five feet to Duncan]
- Ben Chang: Proceed, Dr. Teeth.
- Professor Ian Duncan: So where did we get to yesterday?
- Jeff Winger: We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth and ends with death.
- Professor Ian Duncan: True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in...
- [writes the word on the blackboard]
- Professor Ian Duncan: something. Again, this is really not my field.
- Jeff Winger: Professor, what would you say might be the difference between a religion and a cult?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Why don't we open that to the floor since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?
- Jeff Winger: Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you your mother is in it.
- Shirley Bennett: [scoldingly] Jeffrey!
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, I see and are we thinly veiling personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson? Because if so, please continue.
- Professor Ian Duncan: What? Whoa, busted, 25 feet.
- Ben Chang: Which puts you in violation of this restraining order I filed against you for abusing me with your restraining order. Ah!
- Professor Ian Duncan: Mutually assured destruction. Well played, Chang.
- Ben Chang: Thank you. That... That means a lot.
- Pierce Hawthorne: If you're curious, come to my church's Open Hive tomorrow. You know, wine, beer and free credit checks.
- Professor Ian Duncan: How much wine and beer per person?
- Jeff Winger: Oh, come on.
- Professor Ian Duncan: We're having a con... What?
- Hot Girl: Excuse me, is this Anesthesiology?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Yes. Yes, it is.
- [turns his head and speaks under his breath]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Just go with this.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Hello, Billionaire Boys Club. What happened in class today?
- Jeff Winger: You pulled 40 minutes of anesthesiology out of your ass. Yeah, I did, but I meant your elderly friend.
- Jeff Winger: Do you know how many times I haven't eaten a doughnut?
- Professor Ian Duncan: I do not.
- Jeff Winger: How I got teased in grade school for dabbing my pizza with napkins? I've suffered. I've denied myself.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Mm-hm.
- Jeff Winger: Because the rules said, if I did that, I would live longer, but then, halfway through the game, I get this little update. That it doesn't matter what I do. I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down figgy pudding and I still might die first. It's unfair. I want my doughnuts back.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Well, I think you're being a little childish and... Hold on. I need to use my force field to prevent Chang from getting food.
- [cut away and return]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Now, where were we? Look, the way I see it, while claiming to have no religion, you were actually devoutly worshipping yourself. And now that your god has high cholesterol, you're trying to kick Pierce's in the balls.
- Jeff Winger: You're right. All I've been trying to do is crush Pierce's faith to feel better about dying.
- Professor Ian Duncan: And?
- Jeff Winger: Now that I realize that that was my goal, I can really roll up my sleeves and get it done.
- Professor Ian Duncan: There it is.
- Jeff Winger: Thank you.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Welcome. No, that wasn't what I was... Actually, I don't care.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Sorry, I overslept. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.
- Ben Chang: Drunk, glug, glug, glug.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Shut up. So where did we get to yesterday?
- Ben Chang: [robotic voice] You are drunk and stupid.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Actually, Ben, I do have a wee bit of a headache, so if you could just...
- [Ian walks toward Ben]
- Ben Chang: Umm.
- [Ben scurries to the back of the class]
- Professor Ian Duncan: [surprised look] Isn't that interesting?
- Ben Chang: I have a right to be here, sir.
- Professor Ian Duncan: You do, you do.
- [Ian advances farther]
- Professor Ian Duncan: And I do hope you have very good hearing.
- Ben Chang: [Ben backs out of the classroom, looks down and gasps] Bastard!
- Professor Ian Duncan: So where did we get to yesterday?
- Jeff Winger: We were talking about humanity, which starts with birth and ends with death.
- Professor Ian Duncan: True, all life ends in death, which we as a species are cursed with knowing, resulting in... something. Again, this is really not my field.
- Jeff Winger: Professor, what would you say might be the difference between a religion and a cult?
- Professor Ian Duncan: Why don't we open that to the floor since I don't know and the book for this class is expensive?
- Jeff Winger: Well, I would say a cult might, for instance, sell you a tube of Jell-O and tell you your mother is in it.
- Shirley Bennett: [scoldingly] Jeffrey!
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, I see and are we thinly veiling personal conflict and passing it off as a lesson? Because if so, please continue.