Chevy Chase credited as playing...
Pierce Hawthorne
- Alan Connor: If they gave away awards for mind games, the statue would be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Come on, Jeff's bush league. I gave seminars on manipulation. I can reach into a man's soul and unravel it with one tug.
- Alan Connor: Cool. Hit me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're bald.
- Alan Connor: So are you.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll kill you, you...!
- Jeff Winger: I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Bad-ass.
- Troy Barnes: What does Alan have that we don't?
- Pierce Hawthorne: A butt for Jeff's wiener.
- [snickers]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I mean, we all have butts too. We have butts, just not for the same thing. I'm trying to say they're gay.
- Jeff Winger: Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
- Troy Barnes: Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
- Jeff Winger: You know what a therapist calls this kind of relationship?
- Pierce Hawthorne: A gold mine.
- Jeff Winger: Codependent.
- Britta Perry: [study group, at the invitation of Alan, joins law firm party] God, it's a sea of Wingers. This whole place reeks of moral ambiguity.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Actually, that was me. I apologize.