Joel McHale credited as playing...
Jeff Winger
- Jeff Winger: Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.
- Shirley Bennett: Why not?
- Jeff Winger: Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.
- Alan Connor: What brings you to Greendale?
- Jeff Winger: I'm a teacher. Wait, that's worse than the truth. I'm a student.
- Jeff Winger: I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Bad-ass.
- Ted: I'll tell you what Jeff: you're the best liar I ever employed. If you can look me in the eye and tell me you actually like Alan, I'll make him a full partner.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I only ever really liked one person: my mom. She liked my dad. And after all the dust and custody was settled, the guy I really admired - not liked, admired - was the lawyer leaving the courthouse in the great looking suit and the sky-blue Mercedes SLK.
- Ted: [nodding] Sweet ride.
- Jeff Winger: Sweet job. Sweet life! He didn't care, he couldn't care! And the less he cared, the better he was. We are a special breed because we rise above the sloppy stuff and look at the bottom line. You want to like your employees? Open a hair salon. You want to win? Make Alan partner.
- Jeff Winger: All right, let's do it.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff can't go. He has class.
- Alan Connor: Well, those cargo pants would suggest otherwise. Heh, heh. What has this place done to you?
- Jeff Winger: You have no idea.
- Buzz: [Puts a hat on Jeff] Hat club!
- [and runs off]
- Jeff Winger: Now you have some idea.
- Shirley Bennett: Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
- Jeff Winger: Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.
- Jeff Winger: Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
- Troy Barnes: Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
- Jeff Winger: You know what a therapist calls this kind of relationship?
- Pierce Hawthorne: A gold mine.
- Jeff Winger: Codependent.
- Jeff Winger: [Jeff hiding his face with his hand] See that guy over there? The one wearing the Gucci suit in a lightweight woven wool-mohair? We used to work together.
- Abed Nadir: [quietly] Cool. So he's from your origins?
- Jeff Winger: [quietly] This is all I need.
- Abed Nadir: [calls out to Alan] Excuse me, sir. You're all my friend needs.
- [Jeff glares at Abed]
- Abed Nadir: Your mouth isn't curved upwards. Did I misread something?
- Britta Perry: In other words, we're not cool.
- Jeff Winger: I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it. It may be true, but I never said it.
- Alan Connor: You should visit the office.
- Jeff Winger: Right. I can't show my face there after getting busted like that.
- Alan Connor: Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone who defrauds the state bar, cheats on his LSATs and cons his way into a firm? Best lawyer ever.
- Jeff Winger: Is it me, or is this campus getting more cartoonish every day?
- Abed Nadir: Yep, it's exciting. I painted a tunnel on the side of the library. When it dries, I'm going for it.
- Jeff Winger: You're right. He's a bad friend, but he's a good lawyer. I appreciate you guys caring, but you have to understand that I don't. Caring is lethal around here. It's a disease. You guys have it. I don't. So if you do care about me, don't infect me. Now go win that pop-and-Iock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday.
- Shirley Bennett: It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do?
- [Annie soaks a rag in chloroform]
- Troy Barnes: [Troy takes chloroform and rag from Annie] Would you stop?