Tina Fey: Liz Lemon

Emmanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land

Liz Lemon

Astronaut Mike Dexter: Are you doing a reading, too? I'm Mike. I'm friends with Floyd.
Liz Lemon: Hi.
[pause]
Liz Lemon: Excuse me, do you have a job? And are you here with someone?
Astronaut Mike Dexter: Uh, I'm a lawyer. And I'm single.
Liz Lemon: OK, friend, here's the deal. My name is Liz. I almost got 1200 on my SATs. And I need a date for this wedding. And I like your head shape. What do you say?
Astronaut Mike Dexter: I'd love to be your date, Liz.
Liz Lemon: OK.
Astronaut Mike Dexter: I like how forward you are. Now may I tell you something? I'm a plushie.
Liz Lemon: Is that a fraternity?
Astronaut Mike Dexter: Kind of. It means I belong to a group of like-minded people who dress up in mascot costumes.
Liz Lemon: OK.
Astronaut Mike Dexter: And have orgies in hotel rooms and state parks.
Liz Lemon: There it is.
Astronaut Mike Dexter: Our term for intercourse is "yiffing."

Cerie: Liz, I want you to meet the guy that you're going to be sitting next to tomorrow. He's told me his name, like, a million times, but I keep forgetting it.
Wesley: It's Wesley!
Liz Lemon: [Liz recognizes him] No!
Wesley: I knew you'd be back.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm not back, Wesley.
Wesley: Oh, of course. Because you said you could find someone better than me. Mm-hmm. Well, where is he?
[looks around in an exaggerated way]
Liz Lemon: Stop doing that. You look idiotic.
Wesley: Of course I do. Excellent pantomime is supposed to look idiotic.

Liz Lemon: Oh, my God. I hate you.
Wesley: Yeah, but that's it, isn't it? The only thing wrong with me is that you hate me. So with that as my only defect, where do I rank with all the other men that you've been with?

Liz Lemon: Three weddings in one day. I'm going to be in Spanx for twelve hours. My elastic line is going to get infected again.

Liz Lemon: Oh, my God. I hate you!
Wesley: Yes, that's the only thing wrong with me, isn't it? And with that as my only fault, how do I rank with all the other men in your life?

Liz Lemon: [Drew has hooks in place of hands] How did this happen?
Dr. Drew Baird: Uh, freak accident. You know I work with Doctors Without Borders. Well, I was helicoptering into Zimbabwe when I thought I saw somebody that I knew. So I waved from the helicopter, which, it turns out, is a big no-no, and the rotor took my right hand clean off. And it turns out the person I was waving to was not my old football coach.
Liz Lemon: Of course not. You were in Zimbabwe.
Dr. Drew Baird: Well, it looked just like a black version of him.
Liz Lemon: What about the other hand?
Dr. Drew Baird: Oh, well, to celebrate my return from Africa, my cousin and I bought a bunch of fireworks...
Liz Lemon: You know what? This was a bad idea. I should just go.