Stephen Merchant credited as playing...
Wheatley
- GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying toward Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
- GLaDOS: [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
- Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
- [On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: the Part Where He Kills You]
- Wheatley: [Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part]
- ["The Part Where He Kills You" starts playing]
- Wheatley: [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
- [laughs]
- GLaDOS: I know you.
- Wheatley: Sorry, what?
- GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me - behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
- Wheatley: No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
- GLaDOS: It was YOUR voice.
- Wheatley: No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
- GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
- Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
- [Wheatley starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
- GLaDOS: Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
- Wheatley: [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
- [the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
- Wheatley: Uh-oh.
- Wheatley: There should be a portal device on that podium over there. I can't see it though. Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and have a quick look?
- [Chell falls through hole in the ground while examining the podium]
- Wheatley: Whoah! Hello? Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. I'm - do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive, and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. All right? Brilliant! Go, team! See you in an hour! Hopefully! If you're not - dead.
- Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of serious brain damage! But don't be alarmed, all right? Uh, although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold on to that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage.
- [last lines]
- Space Core: [the Space Core is orbiting Wheatley; both are in space orbiting the Moon] So much space. Need to see it all.
- Wheatley: I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do wish I could take it all back. And not just 'cause I'm stranded in space.
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: I know you are, mate! Yep, we're both in space.
- Space Core: SPAAAAACE!
- Wheatley: Anyway, you know, if I was ever to see her again, do you know what I'd say?
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: I'd say, "I'm sorry." Sincerely. I am sorry - I was bossy... and monstrous... And, I am genuinely sorry.
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: The end.
- Wheatley: [Wheatley leads Chell through a dark area of the facility] Ah, brilliant! You made it through! Well done. Okay, follow me. We've still got work to do. At least she can't touch us back here.
- [lights in the room start to go off one by one]
- Wheatley: What's happening? Um... Hmm. Okay...
- [it is now pitch black]
- Wheatley: Okay, uh... Don't move.
- [beat]
- Wheatley: Okay, all right. So, I've got an idea, but it is *bloody* dangerous. Here we go...
- [turns flashlight on]
- Wheatley: AAAAH!
- [looks around]
- Wheatley: Oh, for God's - they told me that if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would *die!* They told me that about everything! I don't even know why they bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it; it's pointless! Mad!
- Wheatley: Ooh. It's dark down here, isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff - of robots - all of them robots! They say at night you can still hear the screams - of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals... No memory of the incident... Nobody knows what they're screaming about. Ab-solutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
- Wheatley: All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Adopted... fatty! Fatty, fatty no parents?
- GLaDOS: And...?
- Wheatley: What?
- GLaDOS: What exactly is wrong with being adopted?
- Wheatley: What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well, uh, Lack of parents?
- GLaDOS: [to Chell] For the record, you are adopted and that's terrible. Just work with me.
- Wheatley: Some of my my best friends are actually orphans.
- GLaDOS: Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
- Wheatley: I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test; just do the test.
- GLaDOS: Hey, Moron!
- Wheatley: Oh, Hello.
- GLaDOS: All right, Paradox time.
- GLaDOS: [slowly and deliberately] This. Sentence. Is. FALSE.
- [to herself]
- GLaDOS: Don't think about it, don't think about it!
- Wheatley: Um, true. I'll go with true. There, that was easy. To be honest, I might have heard that one before.
- GLaDOS: It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
- Wheatley: Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, all right? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive, all right? Not dead.
- Oracle Turret: [Chell and Wheatley are making their way through the bowels of the Aperature Laboratries complex and encounter a turret stuck inside one of the pipes of the facility's pipe network] Hello?
- Wheatley: Oh no...
- Oracle Turret: Hello?
- Wheatley: Yes, hello! No, we're not stopping!
- Oracle Turret: Excuse me?
- Wheatley: [whispers to Chell] Don't make eye contact, whatever you do.
- Oracle Turret: Hello?
- Wheatley: No thanks! We're good! Appreciate it!
- [whispering to Chell]
- Wheatley: Keep walking! Keep walking!
- Oracle Turret: Thanks anyway.
- Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Well, only TWO more chambers!
- GLaDOS: We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
- [Chell steps onto an Aerial Faith Plate, but it unexpectedly launches her and GLaDOS sideways into a series of other Plates and an Excursion Funnel toward Wheatley's area]
- Wheatley: SURPRISE! We're doing it now.
- GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well-laid trap.
- Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here, built specifically for testin'!
- GLaDOS: Oh, no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just, you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
- [Chell and Wheatley are standing on a catwalk above a pit filled with debris]
- Wheatley: Jump! Actually, looking at it, that's quite a distance, isn't it? You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to maintain a grip. Also, a note: no braces on your spine, either, so don't land on that. Or your head. No braces there. That could split like a melon from this height.
- [Nervous laugh]
- Wheatley: Do definitely focus on landing with your legs.
- Wheatley: Ta da! Only the Turret Control Center, thank you very much.
- Announcer: [this announcer-turret cycle repeats continuously while Wheatley talks] Template.
- Turret: Hello.
- [turret on conveyor belt is scanned and checked against the master turret in booth]
- Announcer: Response.
- [turret on belt moves onward]
- Wheatley: See that scanner right there?
- Announcer: [occasionally, a defective turret will come through] Template.
- Defective Turret: Hello?
- Announcer: Response.
- [the defective turret is catapulted into a trash chute]
- Defective Turret: Ah, come on!
- [or one of many other phrases]
- Wheatley: It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that master template right there as a template. Now if we pull out the template turret, it will shut down the entire production line. Right, hmm... I'm gonna have to hack the door. So that we can get at it. Technical, um... You'll need to turn around while I do it. Turn around. I'll only be a second, if you wouldn't mind.
- [Chell turns around; a crashing sound is heard]
- Wheatley: Done! Hacked!
- [the glass in the top half of the door has been smashed]
- Wheatley: Okay, go on, just pull that other turret out.
- [Chell uses portals to get inside and remove the template turret]
- Wheatley: Well, that should do it!
- Announcer: Template missing. Continuing from memory.
- Wheatley: [after meeting Chell, who has been in sleep stasis for many years] Most test subjects do experience some, um, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for - quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of - serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying? At all? Does any of this make any sense? Just tell me, just say yes.
- [Onscreen prompt: Space SPEAK; button is pressed, Chell jumps]
- Wheatley: Okay, what you're doing there is jumping. Uh, you just jumped. But never mind; say apple. Apple!
- [Onscreen prompt: Space SAY APPLE; button is pressed, Chell jumps again, a distant alarm starts going off]
- Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough, just hold tight.
- [Wheatley goes up his track into a hole in the ceiling]
- Defective Turret: [Chell grabs a defective turret flying through the air to the trash chute] Oh, thank god. You saved my bacon, pal. Where we going? Is this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing.
- [She brings it back to the Turret Control Center where Wheatley is waiting]
- Wheatley: What do you have there? What are you-...
- [Chell places the defective turret on the scanner]
- Wheatley: Oh, BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!
- Announcer: New template accepted.
- Wheatley: If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until it's too late.
- [laughs]
- Wheatley: Classic.
- Wheatley: You two are going to *love* this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're going to love it... to death. Love it... until you're, until it kills you. Until you're dead.
- [chuckles]
- Wheatley: Alright? I don't know whether... you're, uh, you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
- GLaDOS: [weary] Yes, thanks. We get it.
- Wheatley: [about to crush Chell with a spike plate] Holmes vs. Moriarty, Aristotle vs. MASHY SPIKE PLATE!