Benedict Cumberbatch credited as playing...
Sherlock Holmes
- Anderson: So we can read her emails, so what?
- Sherlock Holmes: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.
- Anderson: Never mind that. We found the case. According to *someone*, the murderer has the case, and we found it in the hands of our favorite psychopath.
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm not a psychopath, Anderson. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
- Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.
- Dr John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?
- Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?
- Dr John Watson: Who are you? What do you do?
- Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?
- Dr John Watson: I'd say private detective...
- Sherlock Holmes: But...
- Dr John Watson: But the police don't go to private detectives.
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.
- Dr John Watson: What does that mean?
- Sherlock Holmes: It means whenever the police are out of their depth - which is always - they consult me.
- Dr John Watson: [scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs.
- [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile]
- Sherlock Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.
- Dr John Watson: Yes. How did you know?
- Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. The conversation as you entered the room - said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists - you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That suggests the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic - wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan - Afghanistan or Iraq.
- Dr John Watson: You said I had a therapist.
- Sherlock Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone - it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches - not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already.
- [indicates back of the phone, which has been engraved with the inscription "Harry Watson - from Clara XXX"]
- Dr John Watson: The engraving?
- Sherlock Holmes: Harry Watson - clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father - this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara - who's Clara? Three kisses says romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently - this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then - six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it - he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch.
- [beat]
- Sherlock Holmes: You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.
- Dr John Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking?
- [cuts to a close-up of the phone's charger port, showing obvious scratches around it]
- Sherlock Holmes: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection - tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.
- Dr John Watson: I was right? Right about what?
- Sherlock Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs.
- [long pause]
- Dr John Watson: [slowly, grudgingly] That was amazing.
- Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
- Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.
- DI Lestrade: I didn't say anything.
- Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying.
- Dr John Watson: Have you talked to the police?
- Sherlock Holmes: Four people are dead, there isn't time to talk to the police.
- Dr John Watson: So why are you talking to *me*?
- Sherlock Holmes: [morosely] Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
- Dr John Watson: So I'm basically filling in for your skull?
- Sherlock Holmes: Relax, you're doing fine.
- Dr John Watson: [after Sherlock explains how he worked out Watson's veteran status, his war wound and his sibling's drinking problem] That... was amazing.
- Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
- Dr John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
- Sherlock Holmes: That's not what people normally say.
- Dr John Watson: What do people normally say?
- Sherlock Holmes: "Piss off".
- Sherlock Holmes: So, the shooter, no sign?
- DI Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies, I suppose. One of them could've been following him, but... got nothing to go on.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- DI Lestrade: Okay. Give me.
- Sherlock Holmes: The bullet they just dug out of the wall's from a handgun. A kill shot over that distance, from that kind of a weapon, that's a crack shot you're looking for. But not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn't have shaken at all, so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger, though, so strong moral principle. You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service and...
- [spots John]
- Sherlock Holmes: ...nerves of steel...
- [pauses]
- Sherlock Holmes: Actually, do you know what? Ignore me.
- DI Lestrade: Sorry?
- Sherlock Holmes: Ignore all of that. It's just the, er... the shock talking.
- DI Lestrade: Where are you going?
- Sherlock Holmes: I just need to... talk about the-the rent.
- DI Lestrade: I've still got questions...
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, what now? I-I'm in shock, look, I've got a blanket.
- [to Mycroft]
- Sherlock Holmes: Try not to start a war before I get home. You know what it does to the traffic.
- Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
- Dr John Watson: Yes.
- Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
- Dr John Watson: Very good.
- Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
- Dr John Watson: Well, yes.
- Sherlock Holmes: Bit of trouble too, I bet?
- Dr John Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough... for a lifetime, far too much.
- Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
- Dr John Watson: Oh God, yes.
- Dr John Watson: Pink. Y-you got all that because you realised the case would be pink?
- Sherlock Holmes: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.
- Dr John Watson: Why didn't I think of that?
- Sherlock Holmes: Because you're an idiot.
- [John looks up, insulted]
- Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, don't be like that. Practically everyone is.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why have I got this blanket? The-They keep putting this blanket on me.
- DI Lestrade: Yeah, it's for shock.
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm not in shock.
- DI Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.
- Dr John Watson: [appearing at 221-B Baker Street] Well, this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, she's giving me a special deal. She owes me a favor. A few years back, her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
- Dr John Watson: So y-you stopped her husband being executed?
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, no. I ensured it.
- Dr John Watson: What are you doing?
- Sherlock Holmes: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brain work.
- Dr John Watson: It's good news for breathing.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, breathing. Breathing's boring.
- Dr John Watson: Is that... three patches?
- Sherlock Holmes: It's a three-patch problem.
- Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.
- Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated. Are we clear on that?
- Sherlock Holmes: Quite clear. And is your wife away for long?
- Anderson: Oh, don't pretend you worked that out. Somebody told you that.
- Sherlock Holmes: Your deodorant told me that.
- Anderson: My deodorant?
- Sherlock Holmes: It's for men.
- Anderson: Well, of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!
- Sherlock Holmes: So's Sergeant Donovan.
- [sniffs]
- Sherlock Holmes: Ooh... and I think it just vaporised. May I go in?
- Anderson: Now, look, whatever you're trying to imply...
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat and just *happened* to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees.
- Dr John Watson: Just met a friend of yours.
- Sherlock Holmes: A friend?
- Dr John Watson: An enemy.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Which one?
- Dr John Watson: Well, your archenemy, according to him. Do people have archenemies?
- Sherlock Holmes: [lowers voice] Did he offer you money to spy on me?
- Dr John Watson: Yes.
- Sherlock Holmes: [voice still low] Did you take it?
- Dr John Watson: No.
- Sherlock Holmes: [normal voice] Pity, we could have split the fee. Think it through next time.
- Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat.
- DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't break into your flat.
- Sherlock Holmes: Well, what do you call this then?
- DI Lestrade: It's a drugs bust.
- Dr John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
- Sherlock Holmes: John.
- Dr John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day, and you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational.
- Sherlock Holmes: John, you probably want to shut up now.
- Dr John Watson: Yeah, but come on.
- [pause]
- Dr John Watson: No...
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Dr John Watson: You?
- Sherlock Holmes: Shut up!
- [to Lestrade]
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm not your sniffer dog.
- DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
- Sherlock Holmes: What, A... Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?
- Anderson: Oh, I volunteered.
- DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.
- Sgt Sally Donovan: [holding up a jar] Are these human eyes?
- Sherlock Holmes: Put those back.
- Sgt Sally Donovan: But they were in the microwave.
- Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment.
- Sherlock Holmes: Did I get anything wrong?
- Dr John Watson: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.
- Sherlock Holmes: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.
- Dr John Watson: Harry's short for Harriet.
- Sherlock Holmes: [stops walking] Harry's your sister.
- Dr John Watson: Look, what exactly am I supposed to be doing here?
- Sherlock Holmes: Sister!
- Dr John Watson: No, seriously, what am I doing here?
- Sherlock Holmes: There's always something.
- Dr John Watson: Um, Sergeant Donovan's just been explaining... everything. The... two pills... Dreadful business, isn't it? Dreadful.
- Sherlock Holmes: [quietly] Good shot.
- Dr John Watson: Yes. Yes, must have been. Through that window.
- Sherlock Holmes: Well, *you'd* know... Need to get the powder burns out of your fingers. I don't suppose you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case.
- [pause]
- Sherlock Holmes: Are you all right?
- Dr John Watson: Yes, of course I'm all right.
- Sherlock Holmes: Well you have just killed a man.
- Dr John Watson: Yes, I... That's true. But he wasn't a very nice man.
- Sherlock Holmes: No. No, he wasn't, really, was he?
- Dr John Watson: No, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.
- Sherlock Holmes: [chuckles with John] That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took us to get here.
- Dr John Watson: [laughing] Stop! We can't giggle, it's a crime scene. Stop it.
- Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him. Don't blame me.
- Dr John Watson: Keep your voice down! Sorry, it's just, um, nerves, I think.
- Sherlock Holmes: Sorry.
- Dr John Watson: You were going to take that damn pill, weren't you?
- Sherlock Holmes: Course I wasn't. Biding my time. Knew you'd turn up.
- Dr John Watson: No, you didn't. That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? You risk your life to prove you're clever.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why would I do that?
- Dr John Watson: Because you're an idiot.
- Sherlock Holmes: Dinner?
- Dr John Watson: Starving.