Old 37

I had such expectations for this one. It promised me Bill Moseley as a villain, it promised me the-always-relevant twist (paramedics gone wrong) and thus both a psychological and visceral, brutal horror.

I expect many of you have the same expectations, but heed my warning - this is NOTHING compared to what it could've been.

This movie is an insult in regards to casting/acting, script/story, scenery/footage and editing/effects/gore. And no, you will not even laugh at how campy it is. You will feel insulted, and probably turn it off quite early.

I feel bad for Moseley. Poor, old man having to interact with such amateurs. You should get another agent.

2/10.

It's all bait n' switch with some movie companies. You can hire a couple of 'name' stars and a competent film crew and churn out some garbage that desperate fans will show up for... and walk away cheated. But hey, you got some cash out of them and word won't spread fast enough to keep you from making back your investment plus a bit to see the next bit of cinematic snake oil.

Really, I thought the basic idea could have worked... and the actors were decent... and with modern technology and film schools churning out tech-competent students desperate to pay off their loans it's hard to make a bad looking movie... but geeez! Who wrote this crap?!!! It's dumb and dumbest right from the start. Does Moseley even read the scripts for the movies before he signs up?

Truly a waste of time, talent and energy.

It might be scarier if anyone knew what an Old 37 was.

Think of the most convoluted, confusing and frankly, boring plot of the worst of the Saw series and you'll have yourself your own Old 37 including all the same Saw-gore and bad acting you can tolerate. Mercifully, it's not the same plot, but all of the outer edges are the same despite having such a dull blade to begin with.

I guess the main plot is SUPPOSED to be about two evil Tucker & Dales who use an ambulance to prey on innocent victim victims...of car crashes, but is turned into some not-so-teen drama straight outta I Know What You Did Last Summer. Actually, make that: it's more like the parody of that movie from within Scary Movie.

In truth, there are about 28 flashbacks making up a good half of the runtime from both the killers driving the Old 37 (the ambulance's name, I believe, who knows?) and "teen's" POV and those made my mind wander so much, I have no real idea what this mess is about.

But, hey, when is it NOT great to have horror screen legends: Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder in front of the camera and very nice gore graphics? Also, no-spoilers, but I LOVED the very end. To be honest, it didn't fit the scene before, but it still was a pretty good final shot. (And the scene before, I totally got the reference, Mr. Hodder. I sure did.)

But, no amount of a Masked Hodder, a Bored Bill, gore and a great finale will save this all-over-the-place horror film. I didn't even get to the weird mother/daughter relationship.

At least, I think they were mother and daughter. They really looked like a handful of years apart in age. I'm so confused.

***

Final thoughts: Maybe this is just past my generation. I am an Old 46-year-old, myself.

I figure a film with Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely as killer paramedics should be better. Its still watchable though. A quarter of the film plays like a Lifetime teen drama.

First, I'd like to say that I'm grading this movie on a curve. It's not that great, and parts are downright amateurish (whoever was in charge of continuity should be smacked in the back of the head), but it's not all that bad and, for what it is, micro budget splatter horror, it's kind of entertaining.

I was really looking forward to this movie because of horror legends Bill Moseley (Otis Driftwood, Chop-Top) and Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees, Victor Crowley), in the lead, because it had actual merchandise so I thought it might not be totally disposable, and because the idea is actually kind of cool. Two serial killers ride around in an ambulance preying on the injured, posing as paramedics. Not bad, huh?

Well, that's not really what it's about. It's about two sadistic rednecks, one a motor mouth sleaze ball (Moseley), the other a towering mute in a mask (Hodder), stalking a group of obnoxious rich kids that ran over their mother while drag racing. They vow revenge, and damn well get it in rather gory fashion.

The cast isn't embarrassingly bad, but not great either. There's too much teen melodrama and the first half really drags because of it. The second half, when Moseley and Hodder become more prevalent, is better.

The gore effects aren't bad, Moseley and Hodder are good playing exactly the kind of roles they usually play, Miley Cyrus's sister has a tiny part, there's too much music crammed into the movie from unknown indie bands, one girl briefly shows her butt, and continuity is terrible. Day and night seem like one big blur sometimes.

That's about all I have on this one. Check it out, or don't. Your call.