Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin • Wife

Quagmire's Dad

Lois Griffin • Wife

Glenn Quagmire: [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
Peter Griffin: Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
Glenn Quagmire: No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gay.
Glenn Quagmire: It's totally different!
Lois Griffin: Sounds the same.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, it's not!
Peter Griffin: Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
Glenn Quagmire: No, he'd date men.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: Gay.

Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm off.
Lois Griffin: Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck where you wind up.
Peter Griffin: Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
Brian Griffin: I'm just going away for a few days.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Okay.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? It would be that easy for you?
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck"? What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin: Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?
Brian Griffin: You know what? Never mind.
Lois Griffin: Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.
Lois Griffin: And we're prepared for that.

Brian Griffin: So, there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.
Lois Griffin: Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?
Brian Griffin: [pause] Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said?

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay.
Lois Griffin: What? Quagmire never said anything about that.
Peter Griffin: I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it.
Lois Griffin: Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?
Peter Griffin: Well, a lot of little things; the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the entire DVD set of "Sex and the City" between his butt cheeks.
Lois Griffin: Peter, no he didn't!
Peter Griffin: No, he didn't. He had the DVD set; I was just being colorful with the rest of it.

Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.