Jeremy Clarkson credited as playing...
Self - Presenter • Self • Self - Interviewee
- Richard Hammond: [Talking about the Ford GT's poor fuel economy and the fact that Jeremy is getting one] And actually, 17 and a half gallon tank. 4... 4 miles to the gallon, how far does that mean you will be able to go in your car before you ran out of petrol?
- Jeremy Clarkson: 75 miles.
- Richard Hammond: 75 miles?
- Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
- Richard Hammond: Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?
- Jeremy Clarkson: 76 miles.
- [repeated line, usually spoken before an experiment that goes spectacularly wrong]
- Jeremy Clarkson: How hard can it be?
- Jeremy Clarkson: For me, the best supercar is the Ford GT. I like it so much, I actually bought this one twice.
- Richard Hammond: You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back!
- [after Richard and James just tested the "Cottage S-Class", a Mercedes S-Class Jeremy has modified to look like the inside of his house including a concrete floor with wood paneling, and indoor chairs]
- Jeremy Clarkson: This is the safest car in the world.
- Richard Hammond: I've got a scar!
- James May: I've got bruised ribs and a badly barked shin!
- Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!
- James May: I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!
- Richard Hammond: And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo -
- [imitates sliding action]
- Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!
- Richard Hammond: You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!
- James May: Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.
- Jeremy Clarkson: How safe is that?
- Richard Hammond: Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?
- James May: Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?
- Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The problem is taste, okay.
- [points to Richard]
- Jeremy Clarkson: If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it!
- [points to James]
- Jeremy Clarkson: And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.
- Richard Hammond: [referring to the failed Reliant Robin shuttle launch] To be fair, it was only one bolt that let us down.
- Jeremy Clarkson: It was only one iceberg that sank the Titanic!
- Jeremy Clarkson: If this were America, it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [repeated pattern of introducing the Power Lap segment] Now it is time to see how fast this car goes round our track, and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that
- [absurd fact #1]
- Jeremy Clarkson: . Or that
- [absurd fact #2]
- Jeremy Clarkson: . All we know is, he's called The Stig.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [while driving McClaren SLR into the Eurotunnel train] I wonder what's the fastest anyone's ever driven inside the Eurotunnel.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [Drives faster] NO. No no no. Grow up.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."
- Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway, first award is injury of the year. The nominations are Richard in our "headhammer thrust i-eagle geoff".
- [Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]
- James May: Jeremy making paintball art.
- [a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]
- Richard Hammond: And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.
- [a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]
- Richard Hammond: [talking about the Ford GT] How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here?
- Jeremy Clarkson: Look, the fact of the matter is, Richard, I prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth whitening.
- Richard Hammond: I have not had my teeth whitened!
- Jeremy Clarkson: [while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.
- Jeremy Clarkson: Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005] Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch.
- [referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
- Richard Hammond: [announcing the Top Gear 2008 Awards in December 2008] Right, this is the award for the best noise we've heard all year. These are the nominations. The V8 bellow of the new Mercedes CLK Black, The V8 bellow of the Ferrari Scuderia and the V8 bellow of the Alfa Romeo 8C. Well, the winner of this category. The winner, you are gonna love this, Jeremy.
- Jeremy Clarkson: Is it the Black?
- Richard Hammond: No. Actually, the winner is, Will Young's new single!
- [Will Young's new single played]
- Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.
- Jeremy Clarkson: [about TVR Tuscan 2] It's supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked?
- [whilst driving]
- Jeremy Clarkson: Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn't.