Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter

The Engagement Reaction

Leonard Hofstadter

Leonard Hofstadter: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
Raj Koothrappali: Like what?
Leonard Hofstadter: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
Raj Koothrappali: What do you mean "a show"?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Raj Koothrappali: Like to music?
Leonard Hofstadter: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
Raj Koothrappali: So you'd do a striptease?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good...
Leonard Hofstadter: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, she wouldn't.
Raj Koothrappali: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You really are a mean little man.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let's go!
Sheldon Cooper: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't.
Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Sheldon Cooper: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon Cooper: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.

Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this.
[clutches his chest]

Leonard Hofstadter: It's nice that they're getting along.
Raj Koothrappali: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend hang out together? Oh yeah. That can only be good for you.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: One of them broke up with you; do you really want her telling the other one why?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good. Then you've nothing to worry about.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I do not.
[pauses]
Leonard Hofstadter: You are a mean little man!
Raj Koothrappali: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.

[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.

Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.

[Sheldon takes a drink of water]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord!
[he runs into the bathroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not your water.
Raj Koothrappali: I know.
[Leonard smiles]
Sheldon Cooper: [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?
Raj Koothrappali: [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?

[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.

Leonard Hofstadter: What took you guys so long?
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
[Penny and Leonard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [uncomfortable] That's funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: [after Penny and Priya walk to their seats] What if she wasn't kidding?
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.