Kunal Nayyar: Raj Koothrappali

The Engagement Reaction

Raj Koothrappali

Leonard Hofstadter: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
Raj Koothrappali: Like what?
Leonard Hofstadter: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
Raj Koothrappali: What do you mean "a show"?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Raj Koothrappali: Like to music?
Leonard Hofstadter: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
Raj Koothrappali: So you'd do a striptease?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good...
Leonard Hofstadter: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, she wouldn't.
Raj Koothrappali: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You really are a mean little man.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's nice that they're getting along.
Raj Koothrappali: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend hang out together? Oh yeah. That can only be good for you.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: One of them broke up with you; do you really want her telling the other one why?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good. Then you've nothing to worry about.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I do not.
[pauses]
Leonard Hofstadter: You are a mean little man!
Raj Koothrappali: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.

[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.

[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.

[Sheldon takes a drink of water]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord!
[he runs into the bathroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not your water.
Raj Koothrappali: I know.
[Leonard smiles]
Sheldon Cooper: [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?
Raj Koothrappali: [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?

[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.

Leonard Hofstadter: What took you guys so long?
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
[Penny and Leonard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [uncomfortable] That's funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: [after Penny and Priya walk to their seats] What if she wasn't kidding?
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.