Shark Night

About this time last year, I saw a movie called "Piranha." It was a loose remake of a 1978 cult favorite produced by Roger Corman; the sort of cheesy B-movie that was so laughably bad that it ascended to being good fun. That was, of course, the original film, not the remake, which made it onto my list of the worst movies of 2010. Now, exactly one year later, my hopes for seeing a good creature-feature on the silver screen have once again been crushed by what was, essentially, the exact same picture I saw last fall. The only difference is, now the obnoxious, hard-to-endure stick-figure characters are being munched on by big fake CGI sharks instead of big fake CGI piranhas.

But it's really the same scenario. Some brainless young adults are frolicking about on a big, freshwater lake when all of a sudden, people are being tossed about and pulled under by unseen attackers. About thirty minutes in, it's revealed (as if we didn't already know) that the lake has been infested by sharks. And not just great whites, either. No, there are hammerheads, tiger sharks, bulls, and even cookie-cutters. How are all of these oceanic species ending up in a freshwater lake? Well, the movie gives an explanation, but it's one of the most outrageously bad plot twists in recent years. And remember, I'm an aficionado on the junk monster movies that pop up on the SyFy Channel every weekend. Now, I do not go to a monster movie looking for great character study or plot logistics. I go there looking for good old-fashioned, escapist fun. Only when a B-movie becomes so incredibly empty and devoid of joy do I start nitpicking on things I might otherwise overlook until after the credits have rolled. But the writing and directing of "Shark Night" (which by the way, mostly takes place under a bright sunny sky) is so bland, so unenthusiastic, so absent-minded that it left me looking at my watch after about twenty minutes. After the first attack sequence, which starts with a predictable twist and then becomes a practical shot-for-shot knock-off from the all-more-effective opening scene in "Jaws," the only thing that ran through my mind was wondering how long it would be before Steven Spielberg and Universal decided to pitch out a lawsuit for copyright infringement.

The whole movie looks and feels very much like it was made directly for a television release, giving it a sort of schizophrenic, out-of-place feeling. The fact that the performances are beneath comment does not help any, since they are on screen far more often than the cartoony, computer-generated sharks who can twist their necks as flexibly as a human arm and snarl like lions. In addition, there is the other big problem that I also had with "Piranha": dopey exploitation. The movie's far more interested in ogling at the hindquarters and torsos of partially-naked models-turned-'actors' than it is in developing plausible attack scenarios or engaging the audience in the way only a good B-movie can.

Well, at least there weren't any underwater lesbian scenes this time. No chewed up, sex organs either. Thank heaven.

If the writers had realized that they were making a movie for the big screen and not for television, "Shark Night" might have proved to be a solid, lighthearted matinée. Instead, it fails to recognize what it ought to have been and pretends to be a grade-A exploitation flick, falling flat from the beginning. In regards to its 3D: it's thoroughly unimpressive. Granted, I am not the biggest fan of 3D; I think it's a cheap, unengaging gimmick. But half the time, you wouldn't know this were a 3D movie if it weren't for the bulky glasses sitting on your nose. It's still murky and nothing jumps out from the screen except for a few pieces from a motorboat and some seaweeds. Not scary, not entertaining, not even remotely interesting, "Shark Night" was one of the more unhappy times I've had at the movies.

It seems like the only folks who can still produce good monster flicks are the Japanese. Their contemporary rubber monsters smashing miniature Tokyos and Osakas are far more interesting than any monster mayhem I've seen on the big screen in a long while.

This movie started out so great, it had that whole "Jaws"-theme going on, and it really looked like it was going to be a movie that would pay homage to the classic "Jaws" movies, then it all came crashing down hard and went downhill.

"Shark Night" is without a doubt one of the stupidest story lines I have ever seen in a shark movie. The whole plot was just so far-fetched that it didn't even come off remotely plausible. That whole "oh-you-hurt-me-years-ago-and-now-it-is-payback-time" plot didn't work at all! It was ludicrous and it really made the movie bad.

Another thing that the movie had working against it was the darkness. Most of the movie was shot at night with little or no lighting at all, and you couldn't really see what was going on at times. That was so lame. When you sit down to watch movies you don't want to be kept in the dark and have little chance to see what's going on. Had they kept the movie in daylight it would have worked so much better.

As for the characters in the movie, well you hardly got to immerse yourself in any of the characters, aside from Sara (played by Sara Paxton) and to some extend Dennis (played by Chris Carmack). The rest of the characters were nothing more than bystanders with shallow stories to contribute to the plot.

The cast themselves were good, though. The people they had cast for the various roles actually did good jobs, and that was the main thing that "Shark Night" had working for it.

Having seen "Shark Night" now I feel very disappointed and cheated out of my time, because this movie was disappointing on so many levels. It is only once in awhile that there is a really nice shark movie to hit the market, "Shark Night" however, wasn't one of them.

And the ending of the movie, are you kidding me? Come on! I am not going to spoil it here by revealing it, but wow, that was an ending you saw coming a mile away, and it was just so anti-climatic.

Despite the sheer diversity in species that inhabit this world, Hollywood seems to have an obsession with making movies about hungry, killer sharks. Ever since Jaws debuted nearly 40 years ago, the flood gates for shark movies seemed to have been permanently forced open, allowing countless films to be made, most of which fail to come even close to Spielberg's classic. Today the latest shark disaster, Shark Night, hits the screens in all of its gore filled glory.

For those who haven't seen the overplayed trailer, Shark Night revolves around a group of Jersey Shore like teenagers taking a vacation out to an island mansion for a weekend getaway from their college studies. What starts out as a fun filled trip soon turns into chaos as Malik (Sinqua Walls) has a rough encounter with a bull shark. However this first attack is only a mild beginning as the sharks become more aggressive and fear begins to take its toll on the teenagers.

I'm going to come right out and say it, this movie is essentially Jaw meeting a teenage slasher film. Unlike Jaws, Shark night has traded plot for gore filled, teenager devouring, and CGI shark action. The acting of the victims is pretty weak for the most part, essentially focusing on incredibly shallow characters that have no morals and eventually evolved into hyperventilating chickens, with the exception of a few characters willing to tread the waters. Despite their best intentions, a majority of the scenes in this movie amounted to nothing more than a predictable sequence of chases, pointless swimming, and eventually scream filled death that is classic of a Scy-Fy original movie.

Although the plot had a little more character than what I had gotten from the trailers, it still wasn't enough to save the movie. One major weakness to the plot was how predictable the series of events was. From the moment we were introduced to the characters, I was able to predict who was going to die, and essentially how each one was going to meet their end, that is how each one was going to get eaten. You may be asking, "Well was the explanation for why the sharks were there in the first place good?" The answer to that question is no. In fact I believe the explanation to the sharks was one of the worst plot twists I have ever seen, more laughable than respectable. Again I wasn't expecting much of a plot, but to throw in such a twist was just pathetic to me.

Now there are some positive aspects to this movie, but I'll admit now that they are incredibly shallow positives. One positive is that the CGI work, albeit not the even close to being the greatest captures the shark movement quite well. The facts that the characters spout out about the sharks are also accurate as well and can teach the audience a few things about sharks, if they actually care. The soundtrack for this film had some catchy beats that are sure to please most modern audiences today, mainly fans of rap and hip-hop. Fans of blood will also be happy with this film as the bayou waters become stained in red by the various attacks. Finally, although the acting is weak, both male and female audience members will be happy with the eye candy most of the cast provides, as they parade around in their bikinis bathing suits. Yeah I told you these positives were pretty shallow.

To wrap this review up, Shark Night is a movie meant to kill time and provide some very cheap entertainment. Fans of constant shark attack violence will not be disappointed by this generic film, but those looking for a seemingly decent plot and suspense filled survival should avoid this film at all costs. Shark attack films may be getting old, but surely the modern movie industry can do better than this. Overall I give Shark Night, which should not be seen in 3D, a 2.0-2.5, and recommend waiting for it to come out on the Scy-Fy channel. As always provide me with some feedback and let me know your opinions and criticism for becoming a better writer.

Sara (Sara Paxton) and her college friends travel to her lake house on the Louisiana Gulf for a wild weekend of beer pong, sunbathing, and death by shark. Be mindful of the PG-13 rating because, if you go into this expecting the finned version of Aja's silicon laden Piranha 3D, you'll be sorely disappointed. The most you're going to get to feast your eyes on is a brief shot of Katharine McPhee's and Alyssa Diaz's side boobs.

It's light on the carnage and heavy on the sentimental and often over-dramatic monologues. The gore is pretty watered down for the teen/tween audience. This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing - it's a boring thing. While there are quite a few deaths, the attacks are short cut scenes that end with the camera lingering over pools of red coloring dye to signify, yep, they're dead.

What's missing from this humdinger is good ol' fashioned fun. Most of its ilk celebrate the B-movie campiness with richly funny dialog, revel in the opportunity to mock its genre, or totally go off the deep end with exaggerated kills and/or gratuitous nudity. I realize Shark Night 3D wasn't made to be an in-your-face exploitation film but it's not Open Water either. It falls to the wayside because it has no guts, literally and figuratively.

This movie is just as irresponsible as the horrible "torture porn" seen in recent years. In this movie, we are still subjected to the most malevolent of human behavior, but they use sharks instead of saws, cages and bondage. And make damn sure we mutilate young adults while they are barely dressed so we can become aroused by the beauty of the human body and then become horrified at the dismemberment. It never ceases to amaze me what incredibly horrific visions today's young filmmakers can dream up. Even more pathetic, someone is paying them to do it. When the audience finally says "no I won't watch this tasteless, senseless waste of talent and money," perhaps they will stop making it.

Not likely, unfortunately.