Alyssa Shafer credited as playing...
Lauren Burkiss
- Lauren Burkiss: Well my report is due tomorrow.
- Ron Swanson: What's it on?
- Lauren Burkiss: Why government matters.
- Ron Swanson: Really?
- Ron Swanson: [to camera] It's never too early to learn the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples... I'm going to need a different metaphor to give this 9 year old.
- Ron Swanson: What's you name, ma'am?
- Lauren Burkiss: Lauren Burkiss.
- Ron Swanson: Lauren. My name is Ron Swanson, and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed up world of local government.
- Lauren Burkiss: You have mustard in your mustache.
- Ron Swanson: Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started. Life, liberty, and property. That's John Locke. This is your lunch.
- [Dumps lunch onto table]
- Ron Swanson: Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you want to eat all of it, great. If you want to throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. But here I come, the government,
- [takes bite of sandwich]
- Ron Swanson: and I get to take 40 percent of your lunch
- [eats chips, drinks juice]
- Ron Swanson: . And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
- Lauren Burkiss: That's not fair.
- Ron Swanson: You're learning. Uh-oh! Capital gains tax!
- [Takes another bite of sandwich]