David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

St Hospitals

Mark Corrigan

Mark Corrigan: The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a... paedophobe, to be honest.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh. Right.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, my life!
[to Mark]
Jeremy Usborne: I mean, I... I suppose I always wondered whether...
Mark Corrigan: I've always felt really weird around children, you know?
Jeremy Usborne: Right. Yeah.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: Act supportive or punch his lights out?
[to Mark]
Jeremy Usborne: And are you going to get help for...
Mark Corrigan: I don't know. I mean, what sort of help can you get for an irrational fear of children?
Jeremy Usborne: [releases what Mark meant and is relieved] Paedophobe! Oh, right.
Mark Corrigan: Well, what did you think I meant?
[pause]
Mark Corrigan: Oh my God, Jeremy!
Jeremy Usborne: It's just, paedo, phobe, I mean, they're both bad. I thought you were saying you were a mega-paedo!
Mark Corrigan: You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

Jeremy Usborne: [reading from a book about childbirth] The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.
Mark Corrigan: The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind.

[Mark has walked out of the hospital while Sophie is in labour and has ended up in an amusement arcade, playing a shoot-em-up video game]
Mark Corrigan: Hmm. Is this the worst thing I've ever done? It might be.

[Mark walks back into Sophie's hospital room, but instead of her there's a woman in a birthing pool. While the nurses tend to her, a man crouches beside the pool holding a fishing net]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] That could so easily have been me, a useless gnome, fishing for turds.

[In the hospital, Mark finds Jeremy sitting at Ben's bedside, reading to him]
Mark Corrigan: Jez?
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, hi, Mark.
Mark Corrigan: What are you doing?
Jeremy Usborne: I'm reading FHM to this unconscious guy.
Mark Corrigan: But why?
Jeremy Usborne: Because I have a heart.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
[Zahra comes back into the room, still on her phone. Mark realises what's going on]
Zahra: Work's crazy. Thanks so much.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, OK.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: [getting up] No, go on, what?
Mark Corrigan: No, it's fine.
Jeremy Usborne: What are you saying?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, there's no need to all cynical just because...
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, it's fine. I'm actually quite glad it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy, I was worried you had a complete personality change.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, just because I'm doing something decent there has to be this weird thing going on?
Mark Corrigan: Uh, yes. Normally, yes.

Midwife: OK, darling. Baby's doing fine, I just want to see how you're doing, see how dilated you are, OK?
[she puts on a rubber glove]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Hmm, stuck on the Medical Channel and there's no remote control.
[the Midwife slips her hand between Sophie's legs. Sophie winces. Mark and Jeremy look at each other awkwardly]
Jeremy Usborne: Maybe some... music?
Mark Corrigan: Yes. Yeah, m-maybe some music.
Sophie Chapman: [gasps] Uh-huh.
[Jeremy goes over to a small hi-fi and switches it on. Panpipe music plays]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] What a bastard. That's gonna drive us all totally bonkers.
Midwife: Yeah, you're doing great, you're fully dilated. Your baby's coming. There's no time for an epidural.
[Sophie groans. The midwife leaves]
Sophie Chapman: She put her whole hand in!
Mark Corrigan: Blimey.
Sophie Chapman: I didn't think she'd put her whole hand in!
Mark Corrigan: No, God.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, maybe I should go.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Of course, brings the insufferable music, then goes. He's like the 1980s.

Super Hans: So, uh, how's it all going with Soph and the baby?
Mark Corrigan: Oh, you know, for a while it's been pretty boring but I think we're getting to the utterly terrifying bit.
Super Hans: Take my advice, stay away from the goal end, mate.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
Super Hans: Yeah. You don't wanna get thinking about that. It's like the... it's like the Channel Tunnel. Lovely, it's all about your holidays, but imagine you saw a fucking huge baby coming out of it. Never be the same again.
Mark Corrigan: Right.
Super Hans: One other tip, trip.
Mark Corrigan: What?
Super Hans: Trip your fucking nuts off, makes it amazing.
Mark Corrigan: Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?
Super Hans: Dunno. Yeah, maybe. But if you're tripping and you're having a baby, it's like "Fuuuck!" You know? You see a little guy come out of there, what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole? Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible.

Sophie Chapman: [in labour] Aaaaaargh! Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Is that for me or just general bastarding?
Sophie Chapman: Oh, fuck off, fuck off!
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] If she keeps saying "fuck off", I might fuck off. That's got to be within your rights, to fuck off if someone repeatedly screams at you to fuck off.
[to the midwife]
Mark Corrigan: Can I... I just need to nip to the little boys' room.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, the little boys' room, for little boys.