Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

St Hospitals

Jeremy Usborne

Mark Corrigan: The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a... paedophobe, to be honest.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh. Right.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, my life!
[to Mark]
Jeremy Usborne: I mean, I... I suppose I always wondered whether...
Mark Corrigan: I've always felt really weird around children, you know?
Jeremy Usborne: Right. Yeah.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: Act supportive or punch his lights out?
[to Mark]
Jeremy Usborne: And are you going to get help for...
Mark Corrigan: I don't know. I mean, what sort of help can you get for an irrational fear of children?
Jeremy Usborne: [releases what Mark meant and is relieved] Paedophobe! Oh, right.
Mark Corrigan: Well, what did you think I meant?
[pause]
Mark Corrigan: Oh my God, Jeremy!
Jeremy Usborne: It's just, paedo, phobe, I mean, they're both bad. I thought you were saying you were a mega-paedo!
Mark Corrigan: You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

Jeremy Usborne: [reading from a book about childbirth] The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.
Mark Corrigan: The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind.

Jeremy Usborne: So, what are you in for? You don't have to tell me if it's disgusting.
Zahra: My boyfriend's in intensive care.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Boyfriend.
[to Zahra]
Jeremy Usborne: Oh.
Zahra: Yeah. He's in a bad way. Unconscious. They don't know when he's going to come round.
Jeremy Usborne: That's... terrible.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: Terri-brill!

[In the hospital, Mark finds Jeremy sitting at Ben's bedside, reading to him]
Mark Corrigan: Jez?
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, hi, Mark.
Mark Corrigan: What are you doing?
Jeremy Usborne: I'm reading FHM to this unconscious guy.
Mark Corrigan: But why?
Jeremy Usborne: Because I have a heart.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
[Zahra comes back into the room, still on her phone. Mark realises what's going on]
Zahra: Work's crazy. Thanks so much.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, OK.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: [getting up] No, go on, what?
Mark Corrigan: No, it's fine.
Jeremy Usborne: What are you saying?
Mark Corrigan: Nothing.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, there's no need to all cynical just because...
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, it's fine. I'm actually quite glad it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy, I was worried you had a complete personality change.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, just because I'm doing something decent there has to be this weird thing going on?
Mark Corrigan: Uh, yes. Normally, yes.

Midwife: OK, darling. Baby's doing fine, I just want to see how you're doing, see how dilated you are, OK?
[she puts on a rubber glove]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Hmm, stuck on the Medical Channel and there's no remote control.
[the Midwife slips her hand between Sophie's legs. Sophie winces. Mark and Jeremy look at each other awkwardly]
Jeremy Usborne: Maybe some... music?
Mark Corrigan: Yes. Yeah, m-maybe some music.
Sophie Chapman: [gasps] Uh-huh.
[Jeremy goes over to a small hi-fi and switches it on. Panpipe music plays]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] What a bastard. That's gonna drive us all totally bonkers.
Midwife: Yeah, you're doing great, you're fully dilated. Your baby's coming. There's no time for an epidural.
[Sophie groans. The midwife leaves]
Sophie Chapman: She put her whole hand in!
Mark Corrigan: Blimey.
Sophie Chapman: I didn't think she'd put her whole hand in!
Mark Corrigan: No, God.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, maybe I should go.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Of course, brings the insufferable music, then goes. He's like the 1980s.

Jeremy Usborne: [to Zahra] We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne: I need to know. Right now I'm a supporting character in a weepy, when I want to be the leading man in a porno!