David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Man Jam

Mark Corrigan

[Mark looks at Dobby's Facebook profile]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Is this a bit like stalking? Stalking's a very loaded term, I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line? Oh my God, my heart's racing, it's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.

Jeremy Usborne: [has walked in on Mark and Gerard playing with action figures] Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.
Mark Corrigan: We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.

Mark Corrigan: [sipping his tea] Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.
Jeremy Usborne: Er... no, we do.
Mark Corrigan: No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except...
[realises Jeremy has used the breast milk for the baby]
Mark Corrigan: OH!
Jeremy Usborne: Mark, relax.
Mark Corrigan: This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?
Jeremy Usborne: Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?
Mark Corrigan: Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!
Jeremy Usborne: Well, suit yourself.
[sips his tea]
Jeremy Usborne: Mmm, luxury milk!
[Mark grimaces]

Gerard: Mark... what are you doing here?
Mark Corrigan: I could ask you the very same question, Judas!
Gerard: Well, Dobby didn't have anyone to come to the party with her, so I volunteered.
Mark Corrigan: How incredibly thoughtful, Brutus!
Gerard: Yes, well...
Mark Corrigan: You know very well that we had a deal...
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Can't think of another one.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan: Double-Judas!

Gerard: Dobby's got a boyfriend.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, God. Really?
Gerard: His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan: So, what's he like?
Gerard: Graphic designer.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle."
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Wish I was a graphic designer.
Gerard: And he drives an Audi.
Mark Corrigan: But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Wish I had an Audi.

Gerard: Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Don't pull me into your filthy bathwater, I'm a player!

Mark Corrigan: [Talking to Jeremy about sex] I don't want to hear about the bum Jeremy. I know for you it all revolves around the bum. You're like the Copernicus of the anus.

[In a fantasy wargames shop]
Gerard: Yeah, so I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant. It's cool.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, it is... cool.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: More like a honey trap for social retards. When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places the geek race will be wiped out forever.

Mark Corrigan: What are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?
Jeremy Usborne: I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world and Ben is the coolest boss in the world. I asked him when I should come in tomorrow and he said "whenever you can make it." His motto is "The work never starts."
Mark Corrigan: That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?
Jeremy Usborne: Who gives a shit? We don't make money, money makes us.
Mark Corrigan: What does that even mean?

Jeremy Usborne: I'm gonna to light up a fatty and crack open my brand-new Xbox. Good luck with the regression session.
Mark Corrigan: Look, I'm sorry if in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys, but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal hero of the 20th century somehow less cool than pretending on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?
Jeremy Usborne: I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules.

Jeremy Usborne: Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
Mark Corrigan: For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.
[Jeremy leaves]
Gerard: Did you ever actually, er...?
Mark Corrigan: Well, you know, on occasion.
Gerard: Corfu '06?
[Mark nods]
Gerard: It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?

Gerard: It may surprise you to know, but the truth is until I was 26 I'd never been with a woman.
Mark Corrigan: Uh, yes, you do surprise me.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: You've been with a woman?

Gerard: Look, nothing's going on, all right? We're just having a drink.
Mark Corrigan: I think you're doing a little more than that.
[picks up a bag of pork scratchings]
Mark Corrigan: No doubt once you've finished these and she's sufficiently high on E numbers, you'll try and supply her with another pork product whose name I don't think needs to be said out loud!

Jeremy Usborne: It turns out, the website, it's really mainly about the merch.
Mark Corrigan: Merch?
Mark Corrigan: Merchandise. Ben says "I'm all about the merch. Cut me and I bleed merch." I can't believe I had him at my mercy in the hospital and I let him go. If I'd know he was such an arsehole I'd at least have given his tube a little waggle.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution, which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.