Jim Howick: Gerard Matthew

Man Jam

Gerard Matthew

Gerard: Mark... what are you doing here?
Mark Corrigan: I could ask you the very same question, Judas!
Gerard: Well, Dobby didn't have anyone to come to the party with her, so I volunteered.
Mark Corrigan: How incredibly thoughtful, Brutus!
Gerard: Yes, well...
Mark Corrigan: You know very well that we had a deal...
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Can't think of another one.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan: Double-Judas!

Gerard: Dobby's got a boyfriend.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, God. Really?
Gerard: His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.
[to Gerard]
Mark Corrigan: So, what's he like?
Gerard: Graphic designer.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle."
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Wish I was a graphic designer.
Gerard: And he drives an Audi.
Mark Corrigan: But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: Wish I had an Audi.

Gerard: Maybe for guys like us, Dobby was always a pipe dream.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Don't pull me into your filthy bathwater, I'm a player!

[In a fantasy wargames shop]
Gerard: Yeah, so I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant. It's cool.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, it is... cool.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: More like a honey trap for social retards. When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places the geek race will be wiped out forever.

Jeremy Usborne: Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
Mark Corrigan: For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.
[Jeremy leaves]
Gerard: Did you ever actually, er...?
Mark Corrigan: Well, you know, on occasion.
Gerard: Corfu '06?
[Mark nods]
Gerard: It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?

Gerard: It may surprise you to know, but the truth is until I was 26 I'd never been with a woman.
Mark Corrigan: Uh, yes, you do surprise me.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: You've been with a woman?

Gerard: Look, nothing's going on, all right? We're just having a drink.
Mark Corrigan: I think you're doing a little more than that.
[picks up a bag of pork scratchings]
Mark Corrigan: No doubt once you've finished these and she's sufficiently high on E numbers, you'll try and supply her with another pork product whose name I don't think needs to be said out loud!