Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Alan Harper: Do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
- Charlie Harper: That's not me. That's genetics and barber school haircuts!
- Charlie Harper: If I should come home some night to find you on a chair with a rope around your neck because you can't bear another moment of your pathetic life, I give you my word, I *will* kick the chair!
- Alan Harper: When Alan Harper sets his mind to something, just stand back and watch it happen!
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, right. Cue the theme from "Rocky".
- Charlie Harper: [Looking at the pearls Alan has purchased for Lyndsey] You got these at the mall?
- Alan Harper: Well, in the mall parking lot.
- Charlie Harper: You bought pearls from a guy in a parking lot?
- Alan Harper: Not 'a guy'. A Tahitian wholesaler. You have any idea what the mark-up is on these things? By eliminating the middleman, I saved a fortune!
- Charlie Harper: You sure about that?
- Alan Harper: Don't worry, they're real. I have a certificate of authenticity.
- Charlie Harper: [Reading the certificate] The word "authentic" doesn't have a "K" in it!
- Alan Harper: It's the man's second language, Charlie!
- Charlie Harper: You stole diamonds from your ex-wife?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Charlie Harper: Kudos!
- Alan Harper: I don't even know how it happened. It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else.
- Charlie Harper: I have that same dream all the time. Except in mine, the hands *do* belong to someone else!
- Alan Harper: I'm a good man, Charlie! I play by the rules! This isn't me.
- Charlie Harper: Sure, it is! You made up your mind that you'd get Lyndsey a nice birthday present. The only part that *isn't* you, is that you succeeded!