Joaquin Phoenix credited as playing...
Larry "Doc" Sportello
- Jade: Hi, I'm Jade. Welcome to Chick Planet Massage! Please take a look at today's Pussy Eater's special which is good all day until closing time.
- Doc Sportello: How much is it?
- Jade: $14.95.
- Doc Sportello: Errr, not that $14.95 ain't a totally groovy price, but I'm really trying to locate this guy who works for Mr. Wolfmann?
- Jade: Oh, does he eat pussy?
- Doc Sportello: A fella by the name of Glenn Charlock?
- Jade: Oh sure, Glenn! He comes in here. He eats pussy!
- Dr. Threeply: Any questions?
- Doc Sportello: [in regards to Puck Beaverton] Is that a swastika on that man's face?
- Dr. Threeply: No, it isn't. That's an ancient Hindu symbol meaning "all is well". It brings good fortune, luck and well-being.
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: I'm gonna have the house anchovy loaf to start and the Devil Ray Filet. Can I get that deep-fried in beer batter?
- Chlorinda: It's your stomach. What can I get for you, little buddy?
- Doc Sportello: I'll take the Jellyfish Teriyaki Croquettes and the Eel Trovatore, please.
- Chlorinda: Okay. And to drink, gentlemen? You're gonna wanna get good and fucked up before this meal.
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: That's for sure.
- Chlorinda: I have some recommendations. Maybe the Tequila Zombie?
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: Make it two.
- Aunt Reet: [on the phone] Honey, make it quick. I got a live one tonight and I totally fucked up my face.
- Doc Sportello: Aw. Oh, okay. Mickey Wolfmann, what can you tell me?
- Aunt Reet: Powerhouse in L.A. real estate. From the desert to the sea. Technically Jewish, but wants to be a Nazi.
- Doc Sportello: How would I forget something like that?
- Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball: Grass. And who knows what else?
- Doc Sportello: I'm only a light smoker.
- Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball: How many joints have you had today?
- Doc Sportello: I have to check the logbook.
- Doc Sportello: Are you okay, brother?
- Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen: I'm not your brother.
- Doc Sportello: No, but you could use a keeper.
- Shasta Fay Hepworth: I went on a boat ride.
- Doc Sportello: A three hour tour?
- Shasta Fay Hepworth: They told me I was precious cargo that couldn't be insured because of inherent vice.
- Doc Sportello: What's that?
- Shasta Fay Hepworth: I don't know.
- Doc Sportello: Saunch, who you working for?
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: Clients pay me for work, Doc. Clients pay me for work, Doc!
- Shasta Fay Hepworth: It isn't what you're thinking, Doc.
- Doc Sportello: Don't worry. Thinking comes later. What else?
- Hope Harlingen: Then, along comes little Amethyst. I don't know if you have the stomach for it, but this is what we had her looking like.
- [passes Doc a photograph]
- Hope Harlingen: Everybody helpfully pointed out how the heroin was actually coming through my breast milk, but...
- [Doc looks at the photo, screams, then immediately calms down]
- Doc Sportello: Mmm-hmm.
- Hope Harlingen: Who could afford formula, you know? It's a long way from where we are now.
- Doc Sportello: Yeah, no, seems like you're doing real good.
- Hope Harlingen: I'm a drug counselor.
- Doc Sportello: Can I be frank a minute?
- Agent Flatweed: Why stop now?
- Agent Borderline: Please.
- Doc Sportello: You be Deano, you be the other guy, and tell Penny Davis Jr. what a lovely day we had.
- Doc Sportello: [from trailer]
- [stumbling at the top of a staircase with his gun]
- Doc Sportello: Did I hit you?
- Doc Sportello: [Referring to the Golden Fang] And the ship?
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: Man... they removed any traces of soul she once had, it's a horror story.
- Doc Sportello: Are you emotionally involved? With the boat?
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: She's not just a boat Doc... she's much more than that.
- Doc Sportello: Where you stayin'?
- Coy Harlingen: House in Topanga Canyon. Band I used to play for, the Boards, none of them know it's me.
- Doc Sportello: How can they not know it's you?
- Coy Harlingen: Even when I was alive they didn't know it was me.
- Hope Harlingen: I had just run into this bathroom stall without checking first, and I already had my finger down my throat to vomit up this big balloon of dope I had just scored, and there Coy sat, gringo digestion, about to take this giant shit. And we both let go at the same time, and there's just vomit and shit all over the place, and- put my head in his lap, and to complicate things, he had this hard-on.
- Doc Sportello: Sure.
- Hope Harlingen: One thing leads to another, and we pretty much started shooting up together on a regular basis.
- Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball: [from trailer]
- [as Doc walks in the office]
- Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball: Whoa!
- Detective: Are you alright?
- Deputy D.A. Penny Kimball: Am I?
- Doc Sportello: Are you?
- Detective #2: Ordinarily, we're the ones asking the questions...
- Coy Harlingen: And your question is, which side am I on?
- Doc Sportello: Good question!
- Man at Desk: [smirking] Wrong answer...
- Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen: [from trailer] Michael Z. Wolfmann...
- Sauncho Smilax, Esq: Mickey Wolfmann...
- Young Woman: Mickey Wolfmann!
- Lt. Det. Christian F. "Bigfoot" Bjornsen: -has vanished!
- Doc Sportello: So- so, where would I- uh... find him?
- Doc Sportello: So, what've you been up to?
- Japonica Fenway: Escaping, mostly, and I escape real good.
- Doc Sportello: You know I, uh, I think I saw old Japonica the other day at my doctor's office. You ever run into a dentist named Rudy Blatnoyd?
- Crocker Fenway: The son of a bitch who until recently was corrupting my daughter? Yes, I do seem to recall the name. He perished in a trampoline accident, didn't he?
- Doc Sportello: The LAPD's not sure it was an accident.
- Crocker Fenway: And you'd like to know if I did it? What possible motive would I have? Just because the man preyed on an emotionally vulnerable child, forced her to engage in sexual practices that might appall even a sophisticate like yourself - does that mean I'd have any reason to see his miserable pedophile career come to an end? What a vindictive person you must imagine me.
- Doc Sportello: Hmmm, I - I did suspect he was fucking his receptionist but, what dentist doesn't. It's an oath they all take in dentist school, and anyhow that's a long way from strange and weird sex. Isn't it?
- Crocker Fenway: How about when he forced my little girl to listen to original cast albums of Broadway musicals while he had his way with her? Or the - tastelessness of the - decor of - resort hotel rooms he took her to during endodontist conventions? The wallpaper. The lamps!
- Doc Sportello: Uh... Japonica is of legal age now, isn't she?
- Crocker Fenway: In a father's eye, they're always too young.