Bill Hader credited as playing...
Firewater • Tequila • El Guaco
- Frank: If what you're saying is true, I got to tell everyone!
- Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
- Frank: I have to try... Everyone will die otherwise.
- Firewater: Oh yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?
- Frank: Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?
- Firewater: So, you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I'll slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
- Honey Mustard: Oh my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?
- Ketchup: What? What are you looking at?
- [sees Firewater has vanished]
- Ketchup: He's gone.
- Honey Mustard: Where the fuck did he go? I'm, so fucked up. I'm, so fucked up!
- [Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard]
- Honey Mustard: Ketchup, Get the fuck off of me! Nobody fucking touch me!
- Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible and for that, I give you mad props. But, now that you have shattered one truth: It is time for you to learn... that we are not REAL! Booga Booga Booga.
- Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I made an important meta-psychical breakthrough.
- Firewater: The world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters, twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in the other dimension! We're something called... Cartoons.
- [Frank, Brenda, Kareem, Sammy, Barry and Teresa gasped]
- Frank: What?
- Firewater: You, Frank... are the plaything of a demented schlubby Jewish actor named:
- [the image of actor Seth Rogen]
- Firewater: Seth Ro-gan.
- Frank: Wait. I'm Jewish?
- Sammy: So... who am I?
- Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named:
- [the image of actor Edward Norton]
- Gum: Ed-ward Nor-ton.
- Sammy: Ed-ward Nor-ton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
- Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
- [Douche throws the Tequila's head and hits El Guaco in the groin]
- El Guaco: OW! Right in my guac and balls!
- Firewater: The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying?
- [Frank shakes his head no]
- Firewater: Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... fucky.
- [flashbacks]
- Firewater: The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't their a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?'
- [back to present]
- Firewater: Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
- Firewater: Before us, everyone knew the awful truth.
- [flashbacks]
- Firewater: Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.
- Tequila: Excuse me? Are you a bun?
- Brenda: Uhh... Yeah, I am. Why?
- Tequila: And you've been traveling with the sausage?
- Tequila: I have! He's looking for you in my aisle. He's right this way. I can take you to him, chica. I take you to him real good.
- Tequila: He's looking for you in my aisle. He's right this way. I can take you to him, chica. I take you to him real good.
- [laughing hysterically]
- Tequila: All right, vaminos. Let's go. I am to be trusted.
- [laughs again]
- Tequila: All right, I gather right here, amigo. and... SHIT!
- [Brenda, Lavash, Sammy Bagel, Jr. and Teresa have vanished]