Nick Kroll: Douche

Sausage Party

Douche

Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?
Juice Box: Dying... so cold...
Douche: [notices that the juice box is leaking, he gets an idea] Uh-oh. Light bulb.
Light Bulb: Yes?
Douche: No. Not fucking you, dummy.

Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank: Oh, I'm coming at you!
[prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren: Well, it's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche: Look, sausage... I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me!
[to Mustard, Ketchup and Relish]
Douche: Yeah, that's right, shut your mouths.
[to Frank, cackling]
Douche: I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a God's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
[takes a bite of his torso, Frank screaming in pain]
Brenda: [gasps, shocked] Oh, my God! FRANK!
Douche: I'll tell you who eats shit: Gods do, bro... I'M A FUCKING GOD!
Darren: Good-bye, little sausage.
[prepares to kill Frank]

Douche: I'm gonna get you, my pretty! I'm gonna get you and your little sausage, too!
Teresa: Go fuck yourself, El Duche.

[Douche seeing that Brenda, Lavash, Sammy Bagel, Jr. and Teresa have vanished and turns to Tequila]
Douche: What gives, bro? You told me you had them! So you dragged me over to this fucking aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So where the fuck are they? SPILL THE BEANS!
Refried Beans: Que?
Douche: Beans, I swear to fucking God if you don't shut the fuck up!

Darren: Wait, Snap out of it, man! Slap it! Slap yourself in the face, man! Oh, man! You lost your mind? Is this even? No, wait! This isn't real! Now, this can't be real!
Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
[Darren reacts, points to douche with a gun]
Darren: [gasps in horror] A talking douche?
Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
Darren: No, no, no! This is too much, this is too much! Too much! Breathe, man!
Douche: We both want the same thing... Like, I'm feeling honestly the two of us could like collaborate together. Like a mash up, bro.
Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand! What's happening?
Douche: You don't need to understand.
[getting inside of his crotch]
Douche: You just need to relax and open wide.
Darren: Wait, what are you doing?
[He got inside of his crotch, groaning]
Douche: Oh, yeah!
Darren: Dude, that went up my ass!

Douche: What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, if you see them, come and get me. And if I found out that you didn't come and get me, or if you couldn't find them, I'll fucking kill your ass." did you not understand, Tequila?
Tequila: Uh, it's a pretty confusing sentence, to be honest.

Douche: Yo! Oh fuck yeah, dude! Somebody call a doctor, cause honestly, this beat is sick!
Beet: Actually, I feel great, real healthy.
Douche: Not you.

Douche: You think I give a fuck about PB or J? Fuck this. I'mma kick your as kick your ass! How you like them apples?
Apple: Who, us?
Douche: No, not you.

Douche: That's no way to treat a lady.
Brenda: Oh, fuck!
Douche: That's right, girl. It's me. And what we got here? A taco? A whiny donut? And some stupid flappy thing that nobody knows exactly what it is. Okay, so...
Queso: Did someone say 'Queso'?
Douche: That's a fucking stretch and you know it, Queso!

Douche: [while being rocketed across the floor, panics] What's happening out there?
Barry: NOW!
[the food does a U-turn on Darren and Douche]
Coconut Milk: [flips the bird] SO LONG, ASSHOLE!
[Lavash and Sammy are holding matches, light the tanks on fire and the tanks explode]
Douche, Darren: NO!
[the tanks shoot up to the sky, killing both Darren and Douche]
Barry: It's over. We won. WE FUCKING WON!

Douche: [after drinking and growing his arms stronger, cackling] I'm fucking jacked up now, bro!
[cackling]
Douche: Where's the fucking sausage?